The Afterlife Coffee Break: The Special Edition
by Beautiful Lady
Summary: What do you do when you're dead and bitter about it? Host a show in Heaven and complain! Reposted for formatting reasons and all reviews lost. Sad! SPOILERS:Trigun, Bebop, FF7, Esca, Eva, etc.YOU NO WATCH? YOU NO READ! A comedy of the dead variety.
1. Tuna Sandwich of Death

The following was pre-recorded before a dead studio audience.

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS

The following program contains SPOILERS for many of your favorite shows and games. And we're not talkin' little, tiny spoilers. We're talking massive, terrible spoilers that you may not want to know. These shows include: Trigun, Cowboy Bebop, Final Fantasy 7, Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust, Escaflowne, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and others. If you WANT to ruin a show you haven't finished or haven't even started, then by all means, go ahead and read. Otherwise there's a general rule: YOU NO WATCH, YOU NO READ!

PARENTAL ADVISORY: MATURE CONTENT

The following program contains violence, vulgarity and adult situations that many parents may not find suitable for children. It's pretty fucking rude, actually. It's got all kinds of crazy shit blowing up and people getting attacked. Damn, it's just crazy bullshit. Off the heezy fo' sheezy. You have been warned. Word. 

*****

HEAVEN, a sound studio made to look like a living room. In the background are photos of deserts and constellations, little touches to make the hosts feel at home. NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and SPIKE SPIEGEL sit in comfortable chairs with a nice coffee table before them. On the table is a phone and coffee mugs. NICHOLAS' mug reads "My God can take your God" and SPIKE'S reads "I hate your honor student". They smile at the camera and offer their mugs up in a toast.

WOLFWOOD: This is the Afterlife Coffee Break, formerly the Afterlife Smoke Break but renamed since we can't fucking smoke up here. Thanks for joining us. I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood and this is Spike Spiegel.

SPIKE: (gives a cheesy wave) How ya doin'?

WOLFWOOD: Today, we'll be talking about the same thing we talk about during every episode…

WOLFWOOD and SPIKE together: How lame it is that we died in our shows!

BOTH smile cheesy smiles and settle into their chairs comfortably.

WOLFWOOD: We'll take some callers later on, but first, let's get started. Spike?

SPIKE: Thanks Nick. In case you guys didn't know, we're both dead…

WOLFWOOD: Real dead.

SPIKE: Really, really dead.

WOLFWOOD: Like, "Oh my God I've never seen such dead people" dead…

SPIKE: Like, "Crying on a church floor or collapsed on steps with dramatic music playing" dead.

WOLFWOOD: (scratches his chin in contemplation) You know…we DID die to cool music…

SPIKE: Ain't it the truth. 

BOTH look nostalgic and hum the tunes of "Rakuen" and "Blue" to themselves.

SPIKE: (singing)"…Life is just a dream you know, never ending…I'm ascending…" (pauses and looks wistful) It's so beautiful, I mean, truly moving and…WAIT A MINUTE! NO IT'S NOT! THAT SONG SUCKS! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?

WOLFWOOD: I'm sure you're going to tell me…

SPIKE: Damn right! IT SUCKS BECAUSE WE DIED MAN! WE'RE FUCKING DEAD…D-E-A-D!

WOLFOOD: (scratching his head) Yeah, you're right…those songs blow…

SPIKE: And you wanna know what blows more about me dying than you dying? I was the main character! I was in every episode. You had entire stints when nobody even saw you! You'd show up, you'd leave, you'd be a good guy, then, Oops! 'I'm a Gung Ho Gun! Time to blow things up!' I mean, God, it's not even fair! 

WOLFWOOD: (scowling) Not that I don't 'feel your pain' or anything but, get a clue! You were so marked for death from the get-go! You were injured to the point of mummy-dom in almost every episode!

SPIKE: So? That just shows I'm resilient!

WOLFWOOD: Let me get this straight…Everybody has this romantic notion that you had nothing to live for anyway since Julia was dead…

SPIKE: Real dead…

WOLFWOOD: (ignores him) but now you're saying that you want to be alive?

SPIKE: Why is that so hard to believe? 

WOLFWOOD: Because! You told that whole stupid story about the cat who lived a million-trillion-gabillion lives but finally stayed in the grave 'cause he was all whipped about the "white female cat" dying. Wasn't it supposed to be a metaphor for you and Julia?

SPIKE: Nah…I was just happy about killing off a cat in the story. I hate cats…and children…and dogs…and republicans…and tuna sandwiches…

WOLFWOOD: You are impossible! You had nothing to live for and I did!

SPIKE: Oh yeah? Like what?

WOLFWOOD: In case you don't recall, I got some major booty before I died! 

SPIKE: Sure…just rub it in…

WOLFWOOD: (smiles a lecherous smile) Sorry! On top of that, I had friends that cared about me, a huge fan following and….

SPIKE: An inevitably painful death at the hands of lung cancer.

WOLFWOOD: WHAT?

SPIKE: I said "An inevitably painful…"

WOLFWOOD: I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID! What I wanna know is how exactly YOU can criticize MY smoking habits when you were ten times worse! I always had money to eat something or I could bum off Vash or the insurance girls. You could be starving to death and still manage to have smokes. Does this seem wrong to you?

SPIKE: (frowns and thinks really hard) Um…no?

WOLFWOOD: You have a troubled soul my friend, perhaps you need to go to confession.

SPIKE: What's the point? We're already in Anime Heaven.

WOLFWOOD: (smirks) Yeah, partying with Kaoru Nagisa and Folken-Sama…this place blows.

SPIKE: I dunno, that Rem chick is kinda hot…

WOLFWOOD shakes his head sadly and lights up. The cigarette disappears instantly followed by a heavenly warning from a choir of angels ("Thou shalt not smoke a fat one in the presence of the Lord…")

WOLFWOOD: CURSE THIS PLACE!

Lightening flashes.

WOLFWOOD: Nevermind. So! Let's take our first caller!

WOLFWOOD presses a button on the phone. Static is heard followed by a melodious voice. 

CALLER: Hello…Can you hear me?

SPIKE: Caller, are you there? What's your name?

CALLER: I'd prefer to remain anonymous…

SPIKE and WOLFWOOD exchange a puzzled look and then shrug.

WOLFWOOD: Okay! So, do you have a question for us today?

CALLER: Um…yes. That is…don't you ever just want to be alive again so that you can experience…gosh this is so embarrassing…

WOLFWOOD: (getting excited thinking they're going to talk about naughty things) Yes! Go on!

CALLER: I mean…don't you ever just yearn for…

SPIKE: (shifts in his chair smiling a goofy smile) Yearn for?

CALLER: On those lonely nights…don't you ever want to feel…

WOLFWOOD: Oh yeah! Feel…?

CALLER: Don't you want to be alive so you can experience the exquisite pain of death again?

WOLFWOOD slouches into his chair in disappointment and SPIKE collapses onto the floor.

SPIKE: ARE YOU MAD? What kinda hell talk is that?

CALLER: Yes, eternal pain and suffering…oh…yes!

WOLFWOOD: (eyebrow twitching) Dammit Legato! Didn't I tell you not to call again?

CALLER: Oops! I mean…ahem…whoever is this "Legato"? I have no idea what you're talking about. Ummm…I have to go!

The line goes dead and WOLFWOOD and SPIKE stare in stunned silence at the phone.

SPIKE:…That was…really strange…

WOLFWOOD: Don't worry, he's always been that way. Moving on to our next caller!

Static and a voice that sounds very weak: 

CALLER: Hello, Spike, you there?

SPIKE: Jet? What the hell? You're not dead!

JET: I know that! 

SPIKE: Then why are you calling? 

JET: You so owe me big time! Do you know how much money it cost to go and bury you? (coughs violently for a moment) On top of all that, you owed me money anyway. I'm expecting you to pay up here.

SPIKE: Listen to yourself! Jet, I'm dead. How am I supposed to pay you back? There's nothing I can do here.

JET: (gives a crazed little laugh) Well that's too bad…Looks like I'm going to have to dig up your body and sell that nice cybernetic eye of yours on the black market. And whatever else I can use…Your hair alone will go for a few woolongs…you had all of your teeth too!

WOLFWOOD: (puts his coffee down) That is just disgusting…

JET: They'll fetch a pretty penny. And then your ship, yeah, I can scrap that too! (breaks into maniacal laughter)

SPIKE: (worried) Are you okay, you don't sound like yourself…

JET: Must have food…no money…talk like…Captain…Kirk…

WOLFWOOD: Spike my friend, I don't think he's going to make it.

SPIKE: What about Faye? Isn't she there to take care of you?

JET: Stole…everything…ate the Bebop…my bonsai…demon woman…demon…

SPIKE: Jet, just hold on! I'm sure you can make it! There's got to be something left in the fridge back in the…oh, wait…nevermind…Jet?

JET: This is…a dream…(coughs)…and a tuna sandwich…

The line goes dead.

WOLFWOOD: You sure did have some strange friends…

SPIKE: Tell me about it… 

WOLFWOOD: I'm almost scared to do it, but, let's have another caller.

Static and then the sound of a saxophone wailing a jazzy tune.

WOLFWOOD: (slaps his forehead) For the last time…You don't get a solo on this show, understand?

MIDVALLEY: But why not? Sylvia plays so well here in Hell…

SPIKE: (surprised) You're in Hell?

MIDVALLEY: Yeah, me and almost all the rest of the Gung Ho Guns…

WOLFWOOD: But…Legato is here in Heaven, how did that work out?

MIDVALLEY: Not sure, looks like he got off by pleading insanity.

SPIKE: That only works in court!

MIDVALLEY: Don't bite my head off! How am I supposed to know how he got in? Geez!

WOLFWOOD: I think I have an idea…

SPIKE: Yeah, well spill.

WOLFWOOD: It makes sense if you think about it…Legato spent his entire life fascinated with death and suffering. Putting him in Hell is just like asking for him to be the happiest boy in the world.

ALL have a vision of LEGATO standing in a sailor uniform with a massive lollipop, smiling while people burn for all eternity.

ALL: Ugh…

MIDVALLEY: You've got a point. Heaven is almost like Hell for him. He must be miserable up there with all those innocent people and martyrs and goodie-goodies…

SPIKE: I am NOT a goodie-goodie!

MIDVALLEY: Whatever. Hell isn't so bad after all. I'll stay here, thank you very much! You have fun up there playing with Min-May and Rick Hunter! Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! WOO-HOO! SEND MY REGARDS TO ALL THOSE DAMN GREEN NAMEKIANS! 

Line goes dead.

WOLFWOOD: That's it…no more callers.

SPIKE: Well fellow inhabitants of the afterlife, that's it for today.

WOLFWOOD: Join us next time when we'll be discussing how lame it is that I had to die…

SPIKE: And how lame it is that I had to die without getting to sleep with the obviously easy Julia again.

WOLFWOOD: We'll have a special guest appearance from Charlotte from "Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust" and I'm sure she'll have some exciting things to say about how lame it is that she died too!

SPIKE: Until then…

BOTH: Stay dead and stay bitter about it!

Studio lights come on and WOLFWOOD and SPIKE stand to stretch. 

WOLFWOOD: Good episode.

SPIKE: I thought so too.

WOLFWOOD: But you know… something is really starting to bother me…

SPIKE: Other than dying in a church on your knees? Crying and regretting your entire existence like a bitch?

WOLFWOOD: Better than rushing into a skyscraper to die from a sword wound when you had a GUN! Hello! A GUN! Not to mention you had the stupidest last word in the history of anime…But yeah…It's starting to get to me…I bet they get to smoke in Hell.

SPIKE: (runs a hand through his hair to no effect) Lucky bastards…lucky bastards.

To Be Continued....

*****

Hello to any new readers! And if you're a Veteran ACB reader, welcome back! I wanted to take the time to explain what's up:

This is a re-post. There are something like two complete story arcs and about 12 chapters total between the two. I'll be posting one a week until the whole thing is up and running again. 

What's different: There are less spelling mistakes, though some still creep in from time to time. I've added a few small things here and there but all the original ending author notes are absent. 

What this means: As much as I love suggestions (and suggestions are what made the story in the first place), since the story has already been posted and finished, there's not much I can do to honor them. But please feel free to let me know what you think! Reviews make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. 


	2. The Jackson Five!

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS: 

The producers would like to remind you that if SPOILERS were candy this show would have cavities. And if curse words were quarters this show would be as rich as Bill Gates. And if violence was...okay, you get the idea... 

EPISODE II: The Jackson Five!

*****

HEAVEN. A sound studio made to look like a living room. In the background are photos of deserts, half-naked women and dead bodies, little touches to make the hosts feel at home. NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD sits with his arms crossed in his comfortable chair scooted very far away from the occupant of the other chair, LEGATO BLUESUMMERS. In front of them is a coffee table with a phone and mugs. WOLFWOOD'S mug reads "Guess what I'VE got that's full of mercy?" and LEGATO'S reads "Some people are only alive because I haven't killed them yet."

The studio lights come on and WOLFWOOD tries his best to smile at the camera but fails.

WOLFWOOD: (scowling and speaking with a gruff voice) Welcome back to The Afterlife Coffee Break. I'm your host Nicholas D. Wolfwood. I'd like to thank Charlotte from "Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust" for her riveting story of love, deception and, of course, dying lamely. Next, we're going to be…

LEGATO: Excuse me…

WOLFWOOD: (ignores him)…discussing the nature of God. After all, what kind of deity would allow…

LEGATO: Excuse me, you haven't introduced me and you're ignoring me…

WOLFWOOD: (talks louder to drown him out)…a terrible planet like Gunsmoke to exist? All those suffering children and…

LEGATO: I think I understand…You're angry with me…

WOLFWOOD: Just shut up already!

LEGATO: Oh no…I see…If it make you feel better, I'm dead too…

WOLFWOOD: Just shut up! You want an introduction? Fine. This is Legato Bluesummers. Unfortunately, he's filling in for Spike. Spike is 'sick'.

LEGATO: (frowns in confusion) But Spike said that he was going out to get a nice piece of ass…

WOLFWOOD: HE'S SICK! OKAY?

LEGATO:…You know, everybody dies. You shouldn't be so bitter about it. If anything I have more reason to be upset, I hate Heaven…it's so…peaceful and calm…all the people are decent and kind…It's…horrifying

WOLFWOOD: Listen to yourself! What about me? I had a good 15 years left on me before the lung cancer settled in! You fucking killed me in my prime! Those were supposed to be the best years of my life! I could have been happy, but NO! Little Legato had to come and ruin it all! 

LEGATO: Um…technically, Chapel pulled the…

WOLFWOOD: Leave him out of it ! I blame you. Y-O-U. Got it?

LEGATO: (crosses his arms) Fine.

WOLFWOOD: (sticks his nose in the air) Fine.

LEGATO: Fine.

WOLFWOOD: Fine!

LEGATO: FINE!

WOLFWOOD: FINE TIMES TEN!

LEGATO: FINE TIMES INFINITY!

WOLFWOOD: FINE TIMES INFINITY PLUS ONE!

LEGATO:…Curse you…

WOLFWOOD smiles triumphantly.

LEGATO: You are a boo-boo head.

WOLFWOOD: (the smile disappears) I am rubber and you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me AND STICKS TO YOU!

LEGATO: Oh yeah? I know you are but what am I?

WOLFWOOD: I know you are but what am I?

LEGATO: I know you are but….Oh, forget it…there's no point in arguing with such an imperfect creature who can't even appreciate the beauty of his own death.

BOTH fall silent and WOLFWOOD angrily sips on his coffee. Minutes tick by.

LEGATO looks around the studio wondering why it's so dark before he realizes it's just his hair. He pushes the bangs out of his face and is very surprised by the world around him. WOLFWOOD drums his fingers on the arm of his chair, turned away from LEGATO and looking very snippy.

The phone suddenly rings. BOTH jump in surprise.

BOTH: I got it!

They fight to push the speakerphone button, slapping at each other like children. WOLFWOOD wedgies LEGATO and reaches the button.

WOLFWOOD: Hello, caller, are you there?

CALLER: Hello…Spike? 

WOLFWOOD: No, it's just me today. Do you have a question?

LEGATO: (desperately trying to pull the underwear from his butt) This is pain like I've never imagined…pain…

CALLER: Yes, well, my question was for Spike, but maybe you can help…

WOLFWOOD: Well, tell us your name, please…

CALLER: (ignores him) I was wondering, did Spike ever mention being absolutely miserable when he died?

LEGATO: (dancing around the set, tugging at his pants) This form of torture…where did you learn it? Master…there was so much you didn't tell me…oh the pain!

WOLFWOOD: (frowning) Well, Spike thinks being dead is as lame as I do but…

CALLER: No, no, no. Did he, um…describe the excruciating pain he experienced when I ki…I mean, when he died?

LEGATO: (finally able to dislodge his Hanes, stops squirming and sits down) That is an interesting question, I'd like to know myself…

WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) You just shut up and sit there. (to the CALLER) Caller, why do you want to know something so awful? Who are you?

CALLER: It doesn't matter who I am! Just answer me! 

WOLFWOOD: Now wait a minute, I don't really have to answer you when you scream at me like that! You are one sick puppy!

CALLER: And you are a beast who lost its fangs!

LEGATO and WOLFWOOD sit in confused silence simply staring at the phone. Somewhere on the set, crickets start to chirp.

WOLFWOOD: What the hell does that mean?

CALLER:…..

LEGATO: No, seriously, where did you learn such drivel?

CALLER: It's…you know…poetic?

WOLFWOOD: Whatever! Time for a new caller!

CALLER: No wait! Are you sure he didn't say ANYTHING about someone making him suffer? Someone who used to be his frie...

WOLFWOOD hits the button and the line goes dead.

WOLFWOOD: I'll say it again, Spike always gets the weird calls.

LEGATO: Well, anyway, it's time for another caller…

WOLFWOOD: (scowls at him) YOU don't get to say that…I do! Got it?

LEGATO:….

WOLFWOOD: IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER CALLER! HA HA! (hits the button)

Static and then a frighteningly high-pitched voice 

CALLER: Hello? Mr. Priest?

WOLFWOOD: Milly? 

MILLY: Oh! You're there! That's just wonderful!

LEGATO: (clutching at his ears) Her voice…I've learned so much about pain today…

WOLFWOOD: What are you calling for, my honey?

MILLY: I have great news!

LEGATO: (falls to the floor in agony) Ugh…the voice…it must bring…death…to all…who…hear it…agh!

WOLFWOOD: Yeah, what is it?

MILLY: You're a father!

WOLFWOOD: W-what? M-Milly, that's…that's…great news…that's…(faints)

LEGATO crouches down to fan him with a severed hand he had stored in his shoulder pad.

MILLY: Hello? Mr. Priest? Are you there?

WOLFWOOD wakes to the sight of LEGATO hovering over him and screams.

WOLFWOOD: Get away! Get away! I'm already dead! 

LEGATO: (sighs) I know. It's rotten that I can't kill you twice.

WOLFWOOD and LEGATO get back in their chairs.

WOLFWOOD: Milly, did I just hear what I thought I heard?

MILLY: Isn't it wonderful? They all look just like you!

WOLFWOOD and LEGATO fall very silent.

LEGATO: Did you just say 'all' of them look like Wolfwood? How many children does he have?

MILLY: There are five girls and boys!

WOLFWOOD: F-five…five…five of each or five all together?

MILLY: What a silly question! 

LEGATO: (sits forward anxiously) Silly because the answer is '5 all together' or because the answer is '5 of each'?

MILLY: You're both very silly! I've called because I'm having a terrible time picking out names for 10 children!

WOLFWOOD: (coughs violently) You have to be joking! That's physically impossible! No human being can survive giving birth to 10 children all at once!

MILLY: (sniffling) I see…you're just saying that because you don't want them.

LEGATO: You're a very perceptive girl…

WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) SHUT UP! (to MILLY) Honey…of course I want them. I'm so happy, it's just a shock to my system is all.

MILLY: Do you really mean it?

LEGATO: No.

WOLFWOOD: One more word out of you and I wedgie you again.

LEGATO: (excited) Oh please!

WOLFWOOD: (looks slightly disturbed and decides to ignore LEGATO) Milly, I'm so happy that we have children…all 10 of them. I only wish I was there to help you take care of them…

MILLY: Don't worry! Sempai is here and Mr. Vash is too. There's also this really nice man named 'Knives' around to help out. He plays with them all the time though he's a little rough. Sometimes we have to hide all the sharp objects and weapons from him because he…

WOLFWOOD: Milly! Get that man away from our children!

LEGATO: Master, you are such a genius…

MILLY: (confused) Get him away from the kids? Why? Don't you trust him?

LEGATO: With all my heart and soul…if I had one…

WOLFWOOD: NO! I don't trust him at all. Tell that spikey-haired jerk to get his crazy brother away from my kids!

MILLY: Well…okay, if you say so. But what about the names?

WOLFWOOD: Well, that is a tough one. What should we name them?

LEGATO: How about Jermaine, Marlon, Jackie, Michael, Tito, Janet…

WOLFWOOD: Um…No…how about

LEGATO: Chris, Justin, Lance, JC, Joey…

WOLFWOOD: Not quite what I had in mind…maybe…

LEGATO: Wendy, Michael, John, Tinkerbell? J-Lo, Jay-Z, P-Ditty? 

WOLFWOOD: Really, now you're just being silly…we could try…

LEGATO: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen…

WOLFWOOD: One more time and you end up on the floor!

LEGATO:….At least give me Blitzen and Rudolph…

WOLFWOOD: That's it!

WOLFWOOD attacks LEGATO and they fall behind his chair. Sounds of a struggle are heard along with someone screaming, "You hit like a girl!"

MILLY: Um…Mr. Priest…are you there? 

A strangled "Yes!" is heard from behind the set followed by "Shut up mortal!"

MILLY: (unfazed) I was thinking we could name one of them Nicholas after you and then maybe one of them Vash after Mr. Vash and then maybe we could name one Sempai after Meryl and one Meryl after Sempai and then maybe I could name one of them Knives after that nice man…

LEGATO: (pops his head up from behind the couch) What a lovely idea (screams as WOLFWOOD pulls him by the hair back onto the ground).

WOLFWOOD: Don't you dare name my son after that sick-o! (LEGATO gets him in a headlock that makes him gag)

MILLY: I wasn't thinking of naming one of the BOYS Knives. It's awful pretty for a girl, don't you think?

The sounds of pounding flesh and ripping clothing stop. LEGATO and WOLFWOOD peek their heads up over the back of the chair.

LEGATO: Did she just say…

WOLFWOOD: That she wants to name my little girl…

BOTH: Knives?

MILLY: I'm glad you like it!

WOLFWOOD: Honey…I really can't handle this right now. I'm bleeding and my nose is broken, maybe we could discuss this later?

MILLY: Okay!

The line goes dead. WOLFWOOD and LEGATO slowly drag themselves onto their chairs. LEGATO is missing several patches of hair and the spikes on his shoulder are bent into strange shapes. Though it's hidden by his bangs, he has a black eye. WOLFWOOD'S nose is crooked and he is missing both the sleeves of his black jacket. One of his cross-shaped cufflinks is sticking out of his ear; he pulls it out and hurls it at Legato.

LEGATO: Ow! My eye!

WOLFWOOD: Serves you right.

LEGATO: Will the lesson of pain never end…

WOLWOOD: (weakly) Well, that's all the time we have…thank God…

Heavenly voice booms "You're welcome!"

WOLFWOOD: (smiles sheepishly and scratches his head) Riiight…Join us next time when our guest will be Dominique the Cyclops!

LEGATO: And I'll be returning as your co-host…

WOLFWOOD: The hell you will!

LEGATO: Who's going to stop me?

WOLFWOOD: I AM!

LEGATO: You and what army?

WOLFWOOD: (balls his fists) ME and THIS ARMY!

LEGATO: WELL THEN, YOU BETTER BRING IT!

WOLFWOOD: OH, IT'S ALREADY BEEN BROUGHTEN!

They attack each other…again. The studio lights dim. 

WOLFWOOD: (pounding his fists into LEGATO'S scull) Oh yeah! These fists are full of mercy!

LEGATO: (Kicking WOLFWOOD in the head) You're gonna wish you were dead by the time I'm finished with you!

WOLFWOOD: OH! REAL smart! I'm already dead you asshole!

LEGATO: Well then…you're going to wish you were…um…still…alive?

WOLFWOOD: Shut up and fight!

LEGATO: I don't think you're ready for this Jelly! 

To Be Continued....


	3. Throw Pillows!

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS

Violence, crude language and lowbrow humor are GOOD things. This show celebrates the delicious flavor that all things in poor taste give to life. And death. 

A NOTE ON OOC

The infamous "out of character" condition. What can be said about this situation when it arises? Nothing. Shit happens. My advice? Play a drinking game with it. Every time someone is OOC, take two drinks. Maybe three. I bet the show will be funnier. You may not remember any of it, but what the hell? Live a little.

EPISODE III: Throw Pillows

*****

HEAVEN: a set made to look like a dungeon. On a table in the back is a vase full of flowers- they're all dead. Two hard, less than comfortable wooden chairs sit side by side occupied by the hosts. A casket sits before them serving as a coffee table. On the casket is a telephone and a singular coffee mug. The coffee mug reads "Space Cowboy." LEGATO BLUESUMMERS sips from it at his leisure. Beside him, SPIKE SPIEGEL is twisting around in his chair, obviously looking for something.

The studio lights come on.

LEGATO: (manages a smile that makes children scream) Hello. I suppose I should introduce myself. I am Legato, Legato Bluesummers and this is Spike Spiegel.

SPIKE is on his hands and knees crawling around on the floor still looking for something. He makes no reply and continues to look under everything.

LEGATO: Ahem…Spike…don't you think you should tell them what's in store on today's show?

SPIKE: No…I've got to find something.

LEGATO: Pray tell, what?

SPIKE settles into his chair and scowls at LEGATO who continues to sip contentedly at his coffee.

SPIKE: Where is MY mug?

LEGATO: Your mug?

SPIKE: Yes! MY mug! You have one…where's mine?

LEGATO: You don't get one.

SPIKE: What? How does that work? Besides, that mug says "Space Cowboy." How in the hell does that apply to you?

LEGATO: My show was set in space…

SPIKE: No way! I think that's my mug! What happened to yours?

LEGATO: (trying to look innocent which makes more children scream and puppies run away) I don't know what you mean…

SPIKE: I think you do! And what's up with the set? A dungeon? 

LEGATO: Since it appears that my stint as co-host will be a bit more…permanent, I took some liberties with the set. I like it.

SPIKE: Well I don't! This is supposed to be a relaxing coffee break! Who takes a coffee break in a dungeon? It's not normal!

LEGATO: (looks sincerely surprised) It's not?

SPIKE: NO IT'S NOT! Now give me back my mug!

LEGATO: It's not yours…get your own.

SPIKE: (eyebrow twitching) That IS mine!

From off stage, a voice is heard, it's the DIRECTOR.

DIRECTOR: Spike, listen…we're getting you a new mug now, okay? Just get on with the show.

SPIKE: (looks slightly less-angry but still crosses his arms while he tries to get comfortable in the chair) Okay. Hello. Welcome to the Afterlife Coffee Break. I'm Spike, this is Legato. He's filling in for Nicholas who is recovering from inexplicable wounds that occurred during the last filming. He might be in later on but removing his arm from its current location may take a little bit of work.

LEGATO: (covers his mouth to hide the chuckling) And may we all wish him well…

SPIKE: (frowning) Hmmm….is there something you're not telling me?

LEGATO: (still trying not to chuckle) Oh no…not at all. What's in store for our audience on today's show?

SPIKE: Well, as promised we'll have Dominique the Cyclops on and she'll be answering questions from our callers.

From the wings comes a stage helper with a new mug, steaming with hot coffee, for SPIKE. He sets it down on the casket and then quickly runs away, expecting the outburst that's about to happen.

SPIKE looks down at the coffee mug and his eyebrow quickly begins to twitch. The mug reads "Guess what I'm doing with YOUR hand!" SPIKE levels a menacing stare at LEGATO.

SPIKE: Are you gonna tell me that this ISN'T your mug?

LEGATO: Yep.

SPIKE: Well it is!

LEGATO: What makes you think that?

SPIKE: In all of anime who else is dead, hosting a show about it, and sick enough to take someone's severed arm and SEW IT ONTO THEIR OWN BODY!?

LEGATO: I'm sure someone from Evangelion pulled the same stunt…

SPIKE: NO! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I WANT MY MUG DAMMIT! 

DIRECTOR: Spike! We have a show to do here. Forget about the damn mug! Introduce the guest!

SPIKE: (scowling) Fine. Fucking welcome the fucking guest Dominique the fucking Cyclops the second fucking Gung Ho fucking Gun. 

DOMINIQUE walks onto the stage and looks around for a place to sit.

DOMINIQUE: Hello. Um…where do I sit?

LEGATO: You don't. You stand.

DIRECTOR: (sighing) We're bringing you a chair, hold on.

The same terrified stagehand runs up with another painful looking chair, sets it down and then runs off. DOMINIQUE settles down and daintily crosses her ankles. 

LEGATO: (turns to face her and then screams) Wazzuuup?

DOMINIQUE: Wazuuuuuuup?

LEGATO: (sticking his tongue out) WAZUUUUUUP?

The phone rings.

CALLER: WAZUUUUUUUUUUUUP!

SPIKE: (waving his tongue around) WAZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPP!

CALLER: Nothin', chillin', drinking a beer, watchin' the game…

LEGATO: True, true…

CALLER: Hi Dominique!

DOMINIQUE: Hello! With whom am I speaking?

CALLER: Don't you recognize my voice? It's me! 

DOMINIQUE: (snidely) 'Me'? Oh, that's VERY helpful, thank you.

CALLER: Come on! Think hard…Big, purple suit…

DOMINIQUE: (clapping her hands together in excitement) BARNEY? IS THAT YOU? YAY! I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH! CAN YOU SING THE SONG? (singing) I love you, you love me, let's kill folks for spring cleaning! 

CALLER: Um…not quite. I'll give you a hint. Think…twenty years spent in training to destroy Vash the Stampede…big guns…bank vault…does this sound familiar?

DOMINIQUE: Hmmm….this is a tough one. Schmookums?

SPIKE: Who the hell is Schmookums? Was he the 50th Gung Ho Gun that nobody ever saw 'cause he was lame? What was his trick, humping legs or something?

LEGATO: No,no,no that was Fido's trick but he died years and years ago. Schmookums didn't really have a gimmick, he just kind of…stood there. He wasn't very deadly but I think the Master kept him around for a coat rack for many, many years.

CALLER: Okay, I'll give you another hint...my name starts with an 'M' and rhymes with 'Bonehead the Pale'…

DOMINIQUE:…

LEGATO: PLEASE tell me you've gotten it now…

SPIKE: Hell, I'VE got it and it wasn't even my show…

DOMINIQUE: Midvalley? If this is you I'm damned pissed about being dead and all…

CALLER: NO IT'S NOT MIDVALLEY! Does 'Midvalley' rhyme with 'Bonehead the Pale'?

SPIKE: No…but then, what does?

LEGATO: (sarcastically) Hmm…geee..I don't know maybe…Monev the Gale?

DOMINIQUE: (scratches her head) No, I don't think that's it…

MONEV: Yes, YES! That IS it! God, did you lose your mind when you died or what?

DOMINIQUE: (obviously hurt and on the verge of tears) That's not very nice. Thanks for bringing up painful memories. All the doctors say I'll be fine soon…

MONEV: God! We were pinned to the same wall in Augusta together…Think…E.G. Mine…Big spikey things…How do you forget something like that?

DOMINIQUE: Hey look! This table is a coffin!

MONEV: Hello… Are you ignoring me?

LEGATO: Seems that way…

DOMINIQUE: I like puppies too!

SPIKE: What the f…

MONEV: Listen you crazy one-eyed bitch! Don't think you can treat me like this! When I get my hands on you I'm going to smash your skull with my mighty pectoral muscles of steel! And then, I'll use my massive abdominal strength to squish your insides like…

LEGATO: Well! Looks like it's time to say 'goodbye' to our caller…

SPIKE: Thanks for calling Monev…Tough break about your dad and all. Have a nice afterlife…

MONEV: Wait! I didn't get to ask my que…

SPIKE hangs up the phone.

SPIKE and LEGATO look worriedly at DOMINQUE who is staring off into space. LEGATO waves his favorite hand in front of her face and snaps his fingers.

DOMINIQUE: (suddenly becoming alert) Hey…was that Monev on the phone just now? Why didn't he stick around to say 'hi'?

SPIKE falls onto the floor twitching.

LEGATO: Hmm…let's take another caller.

Static and then a cruel voice 

CALLER: Legato? Are you there?

LEGATO falls onto his hands and knees in worship.

LEGATO: Yes Master! I'm here!

SPIKE: 'Master'?

KNIVES: Faithful as always, Legato. I'm impressed. First, let me say how happy I am with the head-case you've turned Vash into. Killing you was the single most influential moment of his life. It's right up there with Rem going 'BOOM'! Really! Had I known that making him kill you could be so effective, you would have been dead years and years ago.

LEGATO: Thank you Master!

SPIKE: Excuse me! Did you just THANK him?

KNIVES: Secondly I'd like to tell Dominique how utterly disappointing she is in every way and remind her that she's filthy human scum even while she's dead.

DOMINIQUE: Chicken's taste good raw…

KNIVES: (ignoring her) Lastly, Legato, I want to tell you that you forgot to take the trash out before you died and that now my entire fortress smells funny.

LEGATO: Master…I am eternally apologetic…

KNIVES: Don't be! Even in death you are my most devoted and faithful follower. The smell has turned into a noxious odor that torments all the residents of towns within 500 Isles of it. They turn strange colors and feel the urge to jump off cliffs while singing the theme to "Happy Days."

SPIKE: Well, if you've gotta go…

LEGATO: Oh thank you Master! I live…er…die…er…stay dead to serve you!

KNIVES: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, I am very excited at this development. It aids me in my ultimate goal. 

SPIKE: Care to share with the rest of the children?

KNIVES: Why not? I have recently devised a clever way to destroy all of humanity leaving only Vash and I to share a paradise rid of their putrescence. Here's the deal: Originally, I was going to skin Wolfwood's disgusting children alive and stuff them to make fancy throw pillows for the sitting room. But when Vash seemed thoroughly against this idea, I developed another plan. By letting them live and slowly manipulating their ideas, all 10 of Wolfwood's children can become my army! They will be the second generation of Gung Ho Guns…I choose to call them 'Mini Gung Ho Guns'! BWA HA HA HA!

LEGATO: (smiles and all the flowers in the world die) That's brilliant! 

SPIKE: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

DOMINIQUE: Rainbows sometimes eat children…

KNIVES: Unfortunately I have to go…that idiot girl Milly has arranged a game of twister and they're making me operate the spinner…

A voice is heard over the phone, it sounds very much like a red-clad main character we all know and love. "Knives come on! This is going to be so much fun! Remember, you promised not to shoot everyone who lands on yellow, okay?"

KNIVES: Curses…How can I enjoy myself? Ah ha! There ARE ways around this…I'll shoot everyone who lands on green! BWA HA HA HA!

The line goes dead. LEGATO returns to his chair. 

DOMINIQUE: Was that the Master on the phone? 

SPIKE: Don't worry about it…just count the voices in your head, okay?

DOMINIQUE: Okay! One…two…three…25…kill, kill, kill

LEGATO: Do we have time for one more caller?

DIRECTOR: Yeah, but make it brief…

Static and then a snappy voice: 

CALLER: Hey brush head!

SPIKE: Ewwww…

FAYE: Don't sound so enthusiastic…

DOMINIQUE: But he wasn't enthusiastic at all, he said "Ewwww…"

LEGATO: If you recall, you were counting the voices…

DOMINIQUE: Oh! Right! One thousand ONE! One thousand TWO! One thousand THREE! Peanuts, peanuts, death…

SPIKE: What do you want?

FAYE: Is that any way to talk to your old comrade?

SPIKE: Cut the crap.

FAYE: Ouch! Have a bad death? Too bad!

LEGATO: This woman is very frightening…she should have been a Gung Ho Gun…

SPIKE: Just tell me what you want so I can get back to my afterlife…

FAYE: Fine. How much do you think a cybernetic arm would go for on the black market?

LEGATO: Believe me…the demand for that product is higher than you may think…

SPIKE: (stroking his chin and thinking) Hmm…a cybernetic…WAIT A MINUTE! What are you doing selling a cybernetic arm…Did you take Jet's arm?

FAYE: (feigning innocence) Hmm? What was that?

LEGATO: She is a marvel…so talented in her ways…

SPIKE: Listen…give Jet back his arm, okay? Go try to make an honest living somewhere…

FAYE: Where's the fun in that? Jet won't be needing it anyway…

SPIKE: What's THAT supposed to mean? He was a little weak when I last spoke to him but I'm sure he lived because…guess what? He's not here! Which means he's still alive and in need of his arm!

FAYE: He's a window washer…you only need ONE arm…okay?

SPIKE: (eyebrow twitching) You really are heartless…

FAYE: Survival of the fittest. Besides, I already spent all the money I got from selling Ed to the circus. 

SPIKE: WHAT!

LEGATO: I must…make her mine…

DOMINIQUE: And then…the RABBITS attacked!

FAYE: Anyway, I was thinking maybe you knew somewhere good to sell it or knew somebody with connections who wouldn't go to the police…

SPIKE: (rubbing his temple as if a headache is forming) Faye… exactly HOW did you get Jet's arm from him?

FAYE: Blowtorch…I mean…ah…he lost it in a bet!

LEGATO: Come! Be my Bride!

FAYE:…Um…Spike…what is he talking about?

SPIKE: Don't worry about it. Faye, this is the last time I'm going to say this…Give Jet back his arm, get Ed back from the circus and get a real job…

LEGATO: And then join me in eradicating the human race! Stand by me as my wife and equal! My master would like you. You are as soul-less and corrupt as he is…perhaps he'll be my best man…

FAYE: (to LEGATO) No way! ( to SPIKE) Anyway, you won't help me? Fine! I'll find a buyer on my own!

The line goes dead.

LEGATO: Come back my…Princess of Darkness…

SPIKE stares at him in disgust and DOMINIQUE makes her fingers do the macarena. 

SPIKE: Well…that's all the time we have for today's show.

LEGATO: (sobbing gently) Join us next time when…

A voice from off stage screams, "Wait!"

ALL turn their heads to see WOLFWOOD running awkwardly towards them. He moves as if he's in pain…

WOLFWOOD: No way! I'm not letting you take over my show, Bluesummers! You kill me, you redecorate my set, you sit in my spot… 

SPIKE: He took my coffee mug!

WOLFWOOD: (shaking his head in disapproval) And you took Spike's mug…that's the last straw!

DOMINIQUE: Buffalo gals won't you come out tonight, come out tonight…

LEGATO: Hmm? Congratulations on the successful…extraction of your arm…But, about the show, surely, some arrangement can be reached.

WOLFWOOD: Yeah. You leave and Spike and I get our show back the way it was, got it?

LEGATO: I don't think so…have you seen the dressing room I get? I'm not willing to part with that. Though you seem more than ready to return to the Heavenly emergency room…

To be continued…


	4. Battleship!

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:

We realize that we have neglected to point out the painfully obvious fact that the hosts of the "Afterlife Coffee Break" actually originate from shows and games that we do NOT own. They're not ours, you know the legal jazz. Of course, we're supposed to say that "we aren't making any money of them" and all that happy horse-shit, but that would be a big, fat lie. Advertising and lucrative product lines based on this show keep us rolling in money, drugs and horny prostitutes. We get so much ass that it should be illegal. Now that you mention it, it IS illegal. Anyway, don't tell on us. Cuban cigars aren't SO bad, right?

A NOTE ON SPELLING:

Transcripts are funny sometimes. You go back through them after the show is recorded and aired and suddenly realize "Oops, the stupid writers spelled something wrong!" When this situation arises, you have several courses of action. You can either fire them, forgive them and let them write another chapter, or kill them. We plead the fifth and refuse to tell you which of these options we resorted to. Without fingerprints, you have nothing. No proof. Nada. Suffice it to say that there is a blatant spelling mistake in the transcripts from episodes four and five and that it was too late to fix when they were printed and shipped out. A concerned viewer, Jaina, did point out this mistake and it has been repaired for later episodes. Thnk yuu, Jainaaa, we relly aprecate the hep with spelig. 

PARENTAL ADVISORY: MATURE CONTENT

The language hasn't gotten any better. The violence might have gotten worse. But this time, we've thrown in drug use just to be extra-specially offensive. You can thank us later. Really.

EPISODE IV: Battleship!

*****

HEAVEN. NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and LEGATO BLUESUMMERS are giving and receiving the ass kickings of their afterlives. SPIKE SPIEGEL is sneakily taking his coffee mug back to protect it from the carnage while they throw each other around. The set is a mess (messier than the dungeon was before and that's saying a lot) and, in general, there is chaos in HEAVEN. 

Suddenly, the phone rings. SPIKE looks around for it while WOLFWOOD and LEGATO freeze with their hands around each other's necks to listen to the sound. The ringing is very muffled; obviously the phone has been knocked down by their fight and is hidden under something. Finally, turning the coffin right side up, SPIKE sees the phone laying under DOMINIQUE who was crushed underneath the makeshift coffee table. She's not moving but seems to be aliv…er...dead, so he happily kicks her to one side and grabs the receiver.

SPIKE: Uh…hello?

WOLFWOOD sneakily lands a punch on LEGATO while they listen.

LEGATO: Ouch!

WOLFWOOD: (laughs very loudly) Sissy!

SPIKE: (to them) Shhhh! (to the CALLER) Yes, I'm still here…Do you mean…(he glances at the other two, still strangling each other)…Will that be…yes, I understand…immediately…right. WHERE!? No, no, no, that's not a problem…NO! I mean…I'm not really interested in that sort of thing so…Did you say 'smoking'? Never mind, I'll do it…Yes, I'll tell them…right away…bye.

LEGATO and WOLFWOOD are leaning in with interest to the one-sided dialogue. SPIKE hangs up the phone and forces a smile.

WOLFWOOD: Well? Who was that and…Aggghhhh, stop! 

LEGATO is beating his head into a wall.

SPIKE: Could you stop for a minute?

LEGATO: (looks really disappointed) I stopped earlier. I waited through the entire telephone conversation.

WOLFWOOD: Yeah, you're patience personified…Ack my nose!

SPIKE: Dammit! Stop for a minute, I've got to ask you something. Well, it's not so much a question as a request…or a demand…okay it's an order if you value your souls.

WOLFWOOD and LEGATO stare at him in confusion. They stop trying to kill…er…severely injure each other for a moment to listen.

WOLFWOOD: You're not making sense.

SPIKE: Oh trust me, it's gonna make a lot of sense in a minute. So…how do you guys feel about a field trip?

WOLFWOOD: That depends on what kind of place we're going to.

SPIKE: You don't really have a choice, but…what kind of place are you hoping for?

WOLFWOOD: (getting excited) Somewhere warm!

SPIKE: Oh…it's pretty warm

WOLFWOOD: (claps his hands together) How about hot babes?

SPIKE: Real hot…

WOLFWOOD: Can we smoke?

SPIKE: More smoking than you may actually want…

LEGATO: (jumping up and down in happiness) Can there be molten pits of lava, putrid vats of filth, tortured screaming people and eternal suffering and pain?

SPIKE: (pauses to look mildly disgusted but shrugs it off) Congratulations! You get all of that and more if you can name that angry deity!

WOLFWOOD collapses in sheer agony while LEGATO weeps tears of pure joy.

WOLFWOOD: Angry deity? Are you saying God is miffed about our little fight?

SPIKE: Little? You guys are trying to kill each other AGAIN during a broadcast that goes out all over Heaven! You're a bad influence on the other dead anime characters. We've got innocent flower girls attacking people because of you guys! You're a bad example and somebody thinks you need a lesson.

LEGATO: (looking at WOLFWOOD intensely) To think…All I had to do to get out of this miserable place was try to make your arm a permanent fixture in your-

WOLFWOOD: (interrupting) Excuse me! Geez Legato, I can't believe you're happy about this! (stops to thinks about what he just said for a moment while SPIKE and LEGATO stare at him like he's stupid) Yeah, you're right, I'm not surprised at all. So we're going to Hell?

SPIKE: Eventually. We've got a little pit stop to make first.

LEGATO: (very depressed and whining like Veruca Salt from Willie Wonka) But whyyyy? I want to go to Hell NOW!

SPIKE: And we all WANT you to go to Hell now, but we've got to go to Purgatory first.

LEGATO: With all those quitters?

SPIKE: Quitters? I'm not following you.

WOLFWOOD: (matter-of-factly) Think about it, he has a point. Purgatory is like…it's like using the patch or nicotine gum or eating carrot sticks or something like that. I'd much rather skip all the wishy-washy people who want to get out punishment for all the shit they caused and go right to the sinners who stuck to their guns like "I'm a murderer and I'm proud!"

SPIKE: (rubbing his head and frowning) Um…did you just agree with Legato?

Silence descends upon the set. Though they can't see it, little sections of Hell are freezing over slowly and somewhere, pigs are being sucked, feathers and all, into jet engines. 

WOLFWOOD: I…I…I feel so dirty…

LEGATO: (ignores him) When do we leave?

SPIKE: Well, try now.

WOLFWOOD and LEGATO: Now?

A trap door opens underneath their feet. They have five seconds to look down, notice that they're about to fall and clutch each other helplessly as LEGATO holds up a sign that says "Yikes!" before they disappear through the trap door. 

WOLFWOOD: (as GOOFY) Yaaaaa Whooo Whoooo Hooey!

SPIKE is left alone on the set. He looks down at DOMINIQUE who is stirring somewhat. 

SPIKE: (looking upwards) Okay…hit me with the trap door, I'm used to falling from high places.

A trap door opens underneath his feet and he falls just as 'Green Bird' starts to play. DOMINIQUE stands up and walks to the trap door. She studies it for a moment and looks surprised in slow motion as a GRENADE bounces past her.

DOMINIQUE: (watching the GRENADE with horror) Ahhh…shit.

The set goes 'BOOM!' (all in slow motion, of course!)

***** (This is a patented scene change identifier. We're making money of it too. So there.) 

SPIKE opens his eyes and looks over at the long-haired blonde sitting nearby. Eyes still fuzzy, he's sure it's JULIA beside him. She is humming an all too familiar song in a lovely voice while his vision blurs in and out. (Oh! Just go watch "Ballad of Fallen Angels" again! It's number five! Geez!)

VOICE: You're finally awake, you've been asleep for a whole ***** now. We were worried about you.

SPIKE blinks repeatedly and then rubs his eyes fiercely.

SPIKE: Dammit Legato! Get the hell away from me and take off that damn wig!

LEGATO: (sighs and takes off the wig) You have no appreciation for comedic genius. 

WOLFWOOD: Uh…What the hell is up with this place?

PURGATORY. They are in a pristine office building with row upon row of cubicles. Fluorescent lights keep it brightly lit and a horrible elevator-music version of "Soundlife" is playing.

LEGATO: (falling on his knees and clutching at his ears) Agony…unendurable….agony…

WOLFWOOD: Okay, Spike, this sucks. What exactly are we doing here?

Just then, a FILM CREW falls from the sky and lands beside them.

SPIKE: We're doing an on-location interview.

WOLFWOOD: Who's important enough to interview here? 

LEGATO: (recovering somewhat) No one. Just a bunch of quitters. 

WOLFWOOD: Quitters…Hey, that reminds me! We're not in Heaven anymore! We can smoke!

SPIKE: (cautioning) You don't want to do that…

WOLFWOOD: (ignoring SPIKE, he lights up, takes a long drag and has an expression on his face like Christmas came early) That…tastes…SO GOOD!

SPIKE: Bye, bye.

WOLFWOOD: What?

SPIKE: I tried to tell you…

A trap door opens beneath WOLFWOOD'S feet. He looks down, looks back up, runs in mid-air, stops, then holds up a sign that reads, "Fuck you Legato" before falling through the trap down.

LEGATO: (thoroughly amused, buy trying not to show it) What just happened?

SPIKE: It's Purgatory. You're supposed to be…you know…a quitter.

LEGATO: So where's he going?

SPIKE: Hell.

LEGATO: Got a light?

SPIKE: YOU DON'T SMOKE!

LEGATO: I do now.

SPIKE: (frustrated) We have an interview to do. You can stay here and do your job, or you can go to Hell where Wolfwood is…who you hate, remember?

LEGATO: That's nothing special…I hate everything, except the Master…and cheesecake…and my Princess of Darkness…and sometimes a nice game of Battleship isn't bad either…

SPIKE: Fine…have it your way. (gives LEGATO a cigarette and a light)

LEGATO: (he takes a long drag and his eyes suddenly cloud over) Whoo…the colors…what am I smoking, man?

SPIKE: (scratches his chin) Hmmm…I think I may have given you one of those 'special' cigarettes I got from Jet's private stash…

LEGATO: You know…your hair looks like a big, fuzzy, green battleship right now…

SPIKE waits patiently for the trap door to appear and then frowns.

SPIKE: I wonder why you aren't disappearing…lemme think…(turns to LEGATO who is swaying with the elevator music and holding up a peace sign) Got it! Because you never smoked before, it's not like you're returning to some sin that you're supposed to be giving up. In other words, you're not a quitter. You'll have to return to one of your old vices if you want to go to Hell immediately. Why not try kicking a few babies or licking your hand obscenely?

LEGATO: (singing to the music and looking very happy) Sooooo! And on the thirtieth evening, all the children of love and peace sat down and smoked a fat doobie…Soundlife! SOOUUNNND-LIIIIIIIIFE!

SPIKE: Ugh…

LEGATO: (falls over) I'm so…hungry all of a sudden…Got any cheesecake?

One of the members of the FILM CREW brings him a piece of cheesecake.

LEGATO: (digs in and looks as happy as he might if all of humanity suddenly dropped dead) That…tastes…SO GOOD!

A trap door opens up beneath him. And, as he's too damn high to do anything clever, he simply falls through.

LEGATO: I'm flying! I'm flying!

SPIKE is once again left alone.

SPIKE: Well, looks like I'm doing this interview solo…

*****

HELL. Molten pits of lava, putrid vats of filth, tortured screaming people and eternal suffering and pain. You get the idea.

WOLFWOOD plops down on a nice warm patch of Hell and commences to smoke five cigarettes at once.

WOLFWOOD: Oh yeah…I think I'll just stay right here…

LEGATO lands beside him a second later.

WOLFWOOD: Or maybe not…

LEGATO: (slurring) Hey Nick! How ya doin'? You know what…I've got to tell you something…I love you, man…

WOLFWOOD: (sniffing the air) Are you…are you high?

LEGATO: No, I don't think so. But Spike did give me this nice little cigarette and I keep seeing happy little bunnies…

WOLFWOOD: (shaking his head) This is almost cruel. You finally get to be in Hell and you're too high to even enjoy…er…suffer through it. I almost feel bad for you.

A few levels below them, SATAN pulls on a heavy coat, shivers and really starts to wonder what the hell (forgive the pun) is going on. 

WOLFWOOD shakes himself back to his senses then looks across Hell and sees something very strange in the distance. It looks to be a studio made to look like a living room. There's a coffee table and on it is a telephone and two very large beer glasses. The first glass reads "I'm a living heart donor" and the second reads "My mother says you're a bitch and that it's okay if I burn your village". In the background are pictures of burning villages and exploding spaceships, little touches to make the hosts feel at home. 'VISCOUS' (too damn evil for a last name) sits beside SEPHIROTH (also, seemingly too evil for a last name) in sleek leather furniture. 

The studio lights come on and they stare at the camera without bothering to look pleasant or smile.

VISCOUS: Welcome to the "Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, and, of course, Smoking Break". I'm your host, Viscous, and this is Sephiroth.

SEPHIROTH: Hello puppets.

VISCOUS: Today, we'll be discussing the same thing we do in every episode…

BOTH: How awful it is to be dead when there are so many people left to kill.

WOLFWOOD watches all of this as he slowly approaches the set. LEGATO swaggers along beside him.

WOLFWOOD: This is NOT good…this is not good at all.

LEGATO: (slowly returning to himself) Yeah, I know what you mean…I'm ten times more evil than Sephiroth…this should be my show…

WOLFWOOD looks at him worriedly.

VISCOUS: In case you didn't know…we were both killed…

SEPHIROTH: Murdered by impertinent little spikey-haired losers…

VISCOUS: Ripped from our lofty positions just when success seemed imminent…

SEPHIROTH: Smashed, decimated…

VISCOUS: Thoroughly ass kicked and bitch slapped…but at least I can always say that I took the little fucker with me which, of course, you cannot.

SEPHIROTH: Hah! You had it easier than me. You only had to fight one guy with bad hair, I had like six! It wasn't even a fair fight. One day they must have gotten out of bed and thought, "Hey, I know! Let's fight the supreme, alien creature with as many people and weapons as we can find…it doesn't matter that there's only ONE of him and like 18 of us…that seems perfectly fair to me…what do you think, Tifa?" (his voice suddenly becomes high-pitched and girly) "Oh Cloud, that's a great idea!" 

VISCOUS: Bitter, much? 

SEPHIROTH: Fuck you!

LEGATO and WOLFWOOD watch as the show continues and only one of them is horrified….

*****

PURGATORY. The same…except the bad version of "Soundlife" has ended. Now they're playing "The Hotel California" and it's a terrible version…really…just…awful…

SPIKE looks at the camera.

SPIKE: Hello, welcome to the "Afterlife Coffee Break." Nicholas and Legato are both in Hell right now so I'll be doing the show solo. I'm reporting live from Purgatory and gearing up to interview a special guest. He really needs no introduction, but we're gonna give him one anyway. This man played both sides of the fence and he did it with style! Not only did he get to bang one of the hottest women in all of anime, but he got to do it over and over and over again! Everyone, welcome Kaji, Evangelion's double agent!

KAJI: (waves smoothly) Hey!

SPIKE: We'll be taking some calls later, but first, let's get started…

To be continued…


	5. Bonus Material: Leisure suits!

A NOTE FROM THE PRODUCERS:

This musical number is NOT original to the show. But since this is supposed to be the "Special Edition" we figured we'd add a few "special" things just to be cute and give you a little extra bit of joy. Or maybe we're doing it just to be assholes. We can do that, you know. Just think of this as "bonus material" like on a DVD. Only we're not going to make you go through some ridiculous puzzle or game to access it. We hate it when they do shit like that. 

SUGGESTIONS:

If you have a version of "I Will Survive", play it now and sing along. Have fun. Legato did...

*****

HEAVEN: The set is decorated with disco balls and flashing lights ("Saturday Night Fever" style...) LEGATO, WOLFWOOD and SPIKE are dressed in leisure suits. Though this getup is a change for LEGATO, nobody really notices that SPIKE and WOLFWOOD are dressed in anything too different. Three microphones are set up on a stage...

Music begins to play and SPIKE approaches a microphone. He opens his mouth to sing, but mainly, he's just a talking along with the music. He has a rather sad, emotional voice...

SPIKE: First I was afraid, I was petrified...

LEGATO: (appearing alongside SPIKE smoothly, he grabs his microphone with finesse and belts his heart out) Kept thinkin' I could never live without Master by my side...

WOLFWOOD: (scowling at LEGATO, he walks up to his own microphone and begins talking without taking the cigarette out of his mouth) But then I spent so many nights, thinkin' how Legato did me wrong...

SPIKE: (suddenly seething) I grew strong JULIA! I learned HOW TO CARRY ON!

LEGATO: (dancing along) You came down here, from outer space! I just joined up with you to help eliminate the human race...

DIRECTOR: That's NOT how the song goes! 

LEGATO flips him off and MOONWALKS.

WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) I should have killed you when I could, I should have shot you in the head...

SPIKE: To live through all those episodes, and still end up REAL dead! 

WOLFWOOD: (still to LEGATO) Go on now GO! Walk out the door. Just turn around now! You're not welcome anymore! 

SPIKE: (crying into a tissue and looking miserable, he stares into the camera imploringly) Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with me goodbye, Julia? You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die?

LEGATO: Um...didn't you?

SPIKE: OH NO NOT I!

WOLFWOOD: (contradicting him) You sure DID die!

LEGATO: As sure as we're in heaven now, it's true that we got fried...

WOLFWOOD: (bitterly) I had all my life to live...

SPIKE: I had all MY LOVE to GIVE you COW!!!

DIRECTOR: (taking large gulps from a bottle of Crown) Ah hell, I didn't need a job anyway...

LEGATO: We sure did die...

ALL: We sure did diiiieeeee!!!

LEGATO: (beating a car with a crowbar and then grabbing his crotch) Hey, HEY!!!!

MUSICAL INTERLUDE 

SPIKE looks even more depressed and starts tossing back shots. He shares them with the DIRECTOR who really doesn't look like he needs anymore. LEGATO performs the entire dance routine to "Thriller" complete with a ghoul ensemble. WOLFWOOD squeezes one eye closed, holds his fingers before the other and while mashing his first finger and thumb together brutally he chants at LEGATO "I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head..." He says it in a Scottish accent and we're not entirely sure why...

END MUSICAL INTERLUDE. 

SPIKE: (somewhat drunkenly) It took all the strength I had, not to fall apart, kept tryin' hard to mend the pieces of my broken-

LEGATO: Spaceship!

SPIKE glares at him, LEGATO seems unfazed...

WOLFWOOD: And I spent so many nights just feeling sorry for myself, I used to cry...

LEGATO: Sissy! 

WOLFWOOD: (angrily to LEGATO) Just wishin' you WOULD DIE! 

LEGATO: (really getting into it now) And see me now, somebody new! I'm not that chained up little person...

WOLFWOOD: (disgusted) Chains? That's kinkier than I wanted to know...

LEGATO has the decency to look offended. SPIKE continues singing as if he didn't notice the interruption in the song...

SPIKE: ...still in LOVE with you!!!

WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) So you just FELT like killin' me...?

LEGATO: (grinning wickedly) Yep! And I did it all for free!

SPIKE: Now I'm dead and so are you...

LEGATO: But isn't death just so damn cool!

WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) Go on now GO! Just leave and run! Please GO AWAY now! Or I'll have to use a gun! 

SPIKE: Weren't you the one who was supposed to love me but ended up conspiring to shoot me and leave me searching for three LONG years for you and you didn't call or write or send a frikin' postcard at all, making me live on a gross old ship that smelled like fish and housed alien lifeforms with lousy shipmates and a yappy dog?

LEGATO and WOLFWOOD stare at SPIKE while the music clunks along in the background almost sadly. SPIKE is pulling at his hair and looking a tad bit deranged. LEGATO gives an embarrassed little laugh and tries to finish the song...

LEGATO: Um...You think I'd crumble?

WOLFWOOD: (regretfully) Did I crawl to a church and die?

LEGATO: (excitedly) Oh yeah, that's right!

SPIKE: (as if realizing it for the first time) We sure DID die!

WOLFWOOD: But since the psycho-fuck died too, I guess I'll do all right...

LEGATO: (sarcastically) But "you had all your life to live..."

WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head...

SPIKE: I had all my love...to...(sob)...give...(sniffle)

LEGATO: We sure DID die!

ALL: We sure did diiieeeee! We sure did diiiiiieeeee!

The music ends, the disco balls raise and the trio strikes impressive, Charlie's Angel poses. Then SPIKE and the DIRECTOR pass out in drunken stupors and LEGATO and WOLFWOOD are left with nothing to do but play Battleship. LEGATO cheats the whole time...

To be continued...

A PARTING NOTE FROM THE PRODUCERS:

We would now like to extend an offer and ask for a bit of help. "The Afterlife Coffee Break" IS pre-recorded, but the "bonus material" is another story. What we mean is, although suggestions are rather impossible for the actual episodes, the editors are willing and hoping to go through their archives and put together little snippets like this one based on viewer feedback and comments. We have lots of embarrassing footage of Legato trying to knit, if you're interested. And don't get us started on the dreaded "Llama Incident." If you would like to see deleted scenes such as these or have any other ideas, including characters you want to pop up, please do feel free to send us your ideas. The llama is waiting. 


	6. The Murderer Formerly Known as Sephiroth

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS

Bad language, good. Destruction good. Drug use, bad. But drug use funny. Bad spelling, bad. Bad spelling, here. Is big glaring mistake. You see mistake? We sorry for bad spelling. It fixed next chapter. OOC, here. Ignore OOC. Me Tarzan. You Jane. 

A NOTE ON NEON GENESIS EVANGELION

Yeah, if you haven't seen that show and all that, this might not be the episode to watch. And stuff like that. Ya, know? Right. 

EPISODE V: The Murderer Formerly Known as Sephiroth

*****

HELL. On the set of the "Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, and, of course, Smoking Break." 'VISCOUS' and SEPHIROTH are interviewing a special guest, DR. NAOKO AKAGI (Ritsuko's mom from Evangelion). NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and LEGATO BLUESUMMERS are watching the filming from a distance. LEGATO is slowly coming off a major high from a 'cigarette' he got from SPIKE and WOLFWOOD is trying not to be disgusted by the scene before him. 

'VISCOUS': (paraphrasing) So...you're saying that all of this-- my hatred of Spike and Julia and all the anger I feel...it all relates back to such an insignificant event?

DR. NAOKO AKAGI: (nodding her head sagely) Essentially...yes. By understanding this, you can learn to forgive and move on with your afterlife.

SEPHIROTH: (looks genuinely impressed) Such a simple reason...it's amazing I never considered it. All this time, you've hated them and it all relates to the event which Dr. Akagi had just described...

VISCOUS: Yes...it seems so obvious now...

DR. NAOKO AKAGI: I'm amazed no one has ever said it before...

WOLFWOOD and LEGATO are standing a little ways off watching the show.

WOLFWOOD: What the hell? Is it just me or do you NOT have any idea what they're talking about? I mean, they haven't once said what it is that makes Viscous such a bastard.

LEGATO: Haven't you been paying attention? They've done everything but paint a picture to explain it.

WOLFWOOD: Have I told you that I hate you?

LEGATO yawns and looks bored.

VISCOUS: (a tear gently falls down his face) I...I can't believe it. I feel so...refreshed...Thank you so much!

DR. NAOKO AKAGI: (looking a little embarrassed) It was nothing really...It's simple logic if you think about it...

VISCOUS: No, no...really, I think I can finally forgive. I feel like a new man! You've worked a miracle...

SEPHIROTH: That was truly amazing Doctor. Do you think you could do me next? (The producers would like to say that there is no double meaning intended in that sentence. Really.)

DR. NAOKO AKAGI: (looking horrified) Hell no! You're a sick little bastard and I'm not about to analyze your demented world!

SEPHIROTH (frowns and gets that "I'm going to jump from the sky and run you through with my mile long sword while smiling" look on his face.) What did you say, human?

DR. NAOKO AKAGI: Ahem...I mean...uh...What I MEANT to say was that...I'm not really that kind of doctor. I specialize in computer science...bio-mechanical engineering and the like. I worked almost exclusively with computers; designing, building and maintaining the MAGI for Gendo...darling Gendo, who I love...with all my heart...(her eye begins to twitch and she starts to shake violently) I HATE YOU GENDO! YOU WHORE OF A MAN! YOU MAN SLUT! (slaps herself) I mean...darling Gendo...darling, darling...

SEPHIROTH: And you called ME a sick little bastard...

VISCOUS: (looks very stunned for a moment) Dr. Akagi...are you saying that...you aren't qualified to give the in-depth, psychological analysis that you just gave me?

DR. NAOKO AKAGI: Yeppers.

VISCOUS: Then...everything you said could be wrong?

DR. NAOKO AKAGI: Yeah, it's probably all bullshit... 

VISCOUS is silent for a moment. He stands, draws his sword and commences to chase her around the studio.

DR. NAOKO AKAGI: (running like the wind) Holy shit! Somebody help me! Gendo! Ritsuko! Anybody! 

They run off the set and SEPHIROTH is suddenly left alone. He looks very uncomfortable...

SEPHIROTH: (looking nervously at the camera) Hi...guess it's just me for a moment...(gives a paranoid and freakish laugh) You know... the truth is...I get camera shy....I can't stand to be by myself on the set...It makes me feel like an experiment...like everyone's watching me to see what I can do...like I'm just a toy for everyone's enjoyment. (starts to grip the sides of the chair angrily)

WOLFWOOD: What the hell is his problem?

LEGATO: This is fun.

SEPHIROTH: (seething) I HATE feeling like an experiment...it makes me...it makes me want to...it makes me want to KILL!

SEPHIROTH draws his sword and hacks all the furniture to pieces. 

LEGATO: I love it here...

VISCOUS returns looking very satisfied with himself until he sees his chair laying in pile on the floor.

VISCOUS: Was that REALLY necessary?

SEPHIROTH: Shut up or you're next.

VISCOUS: Oh yeah?

SEPHIROTH: Yeah! You're just a boo-boo head!

VISCOUS: I know you are but what am I?

SEPHIROTH: I know you are but what am I?

WOLFWOOD: (shaking his head sadly) They're so juvenile...It's a good thing our show is more sophisticated.

LEGATO: (stares at him in disbelief for a minute) I'm going to let that one drop because it's just too easy. But you know..."Sephiroth" is too good a name to waste on a wuss like him...I still maintain that I'm ten times more evil. He probably had his name changed like Puff Daddy

WOLFWOOD: What are you talking about?

LEGATO: You know! We all have to call him "P-Diddy" now! I bet this guy's name was probably something like "Seph-Daddy" or Sean "Sephy" Combs or "The Murderer Formerly Known as Sephiroth". 

WOLFWOOD tries his best to ignore LEGATO who continues to go on about Sephiroth probably dropping his last name, "Spears"... 

VISCOUS and SEPHIROTH settle into new chairs that a terrified stagehand brings for them.

VISCOUS: All right...now that we've determined that even dead people in Hell can be chopped into little, tiny pieces and fed to my bird, let's have our special guests.

SEPHIROTH: That's right, they've traveled a long way to be with us today. Not only are they the hosts of the highest rated show in Heaven, they're also our only competition during this time slot. Please welcome Nicholas D. Wolfwood and Legato W. Bluesummers!

WOLFWOOD and LEGATO stand stunned for a moment unable to move.

WOLFWOOD: Did they just say...

LEGATO: That WE'RE the special guests?

WOLFWOOD: More importantly, did he just say that your middle initial is "W"?

LEGATO: I have no idea what you're talking about...

WOLFWOOD: Come on! What does it stand for?

LEGATO: That is none of your business....What does the "D" stand for?

WOLFWOOD: None of your business!

LEGATO: Well then...I won't tell if you won't...

VISCOUS: (annoyed) Hello? Are you coming or what?

WOLFWOOD and LEGATO jerkily make their way to chairs that have been set up for them across from the hosts. The wave nervously at the camera. Beer mugs are brought for them, LEGATO'S reads "Hack it, stick it, sew it, lick it" and NICHOLAS' reads "I'm with psycho". 

SEPHIROTH: Welcome to the show!

WOLFWOOD: Um...thanks?

LEGATO: (conspiratorially) Whatever "Sephiroth"...if that IS your real name! 

SEPHIROTH: (confused) What is that supposed to mean?

LEGATO: I think you KNOW what I mean...

VISCOUS, WOLFWOOD and SEPHIROTH exchange a very confused look. It is obvious that they have all come to the decision to ignore the nutcase with the skull on his shoulder. 

VISCOUS: So! I'm not sure if you have heard the news yet, but for the past two airings, your show has beaten us in ratings.

WOLFWOOD: (looks a little surprised) The past TWO shows? Hmm...I wonder why...

LEGATO clasps his hands together and waits patiently.

WOLFWOOD: Well...we did have those two hot girls, Charlotte and Dominique...I guess that must be it...

LEGATO frowns slightly and clears his throat...

WOLFWOOD: So we've lost in ratings up until now?

SEPHIROTH: That's correct, you always take second to us while Tetsuo's "Managing your Uncontrollable Power" takes third. But your last two shows have been real winners...

WOLFWOOD: (scratching his chin) I really can't figure it out...Why were these last TWO shows special? What was different?

LEGATO: (irritated) Hello! Isn't it obvious?

WOLFWOOD: I don't think so...

LEGATO reaches for WOLFWOOD's neck with clawed fingers, hoping to choke him like a chicken but stops when WOLFWOOD turns and catches him. LEGATO plays it off by twiddling his thumbs and whistling.

SEPHIROTH: So...what's it like?

LEGATO and WOLFWOOD give each other a confused look.

LEGATO: What is WHAT like?

SEPHIROTH: You know...Heaven. Any fire?

WOLFWOOD: No...But, (smiles sincerely) it's like...

LEGATO: (interrupting) Having your pubic hair pulled out with tweezers one at a time while ravenous sharks devour your limbs ...

VISCOUS: That good, huh?

LEGATO: No, no, no...this time, it's a BAD thing...

VISCOUS: (very surprised) Really?

WOLFWOOD: (angrily) NO IT'S NOT! Heaven is a great place...No stealing, no lying, no war...nothing but peaceful days...Eden 

Somewhere, "Rakuen" begins to play...

LEGATO, VISCOUS and SEPHIROTH: Yuck...

Offstage, the man who sings and hums in the song is inexplicably attacked by a large and strange looking bird that explodes, causing the song to end...

WOLFWOOD: You're just jealous because you're stuck down here.

VISCOUS: Yeah right! Don't go there!

SEPHIROTH: Fo' real tho'! Get that idea outta yo' head, girlfriend!

WOLFWOOD: Then what is it? What makes Hell so great?

SEPHIROTH: Fire, beer, loose women, fire...

VISCOUS: Violence is acceptable,

SEPHIROTH: Fire, I could smoke if I wanted to, I could even smoke IN fire...did I mention the fire?

VISCOUS: I can re-kill whomever I want...

LEGATO: (getting teary-eyed) It's...it's like the most magical place ever...like the Disney Land of psychotic killers.

WOLFWOOD: Yeah...you'd fit right in. Either way, I think we have it better in Heaven...

SEPHIROTH: But...you're always complaining about it.

WOLFWOOD: Am I?

LEGATO: Yes, have you listened to yourself lately?

WOLFWOOD: Um...no.

VISCOUS: Go re-read the first four transcripts and then come back...we'll wait for you.

WOLFWOOD: (trying very hard to remember) Viscous, there's something familiar about your voice...

VISCOUS: (looking shiftily from side to side) I...uh...have no idea why!

WOLFWOOD: (suspiciously) Have you ever called into our show? Something about Spike...

VISCOUS: NO! Ahem...of course not...Just go read the damn transcripts!

WOLFWOOD: Okay (gets up to find the nearest computer with an Internet connection)

SEPHIROTH: While we're waiting for him to return, tell us, what's your favorite part of hosting the "Afterlife Coffee Break"?

LEGATO: My favorite part? Um.... (looks extremely uncomfortable)

VISCOUS: You DO like hosting the show, don't you?

LEGATO: I do...but...my favorite part is...It's...(his eyes grow massive with surprise but nobody can tell because of his hair) My favorite part is...torturing Wolfwood...

LEGATO sits in shock at the realization for a very long time until WOLFWOOD returns.

WOLFWOOD: What's wrong with you Death-Boy?

LEGATO: It's nothing Maggot Food.

***** 

PURGATORY. A bad elevator version of "The Girl From Eponema" is playing... SPIKE SPIEGEL and KAJI RYOJI sit on office chairs across from each other. There is a coffee table in front of them with a phone and coffee mugs. SPIKE'S is the same "Space Cowboy" mug that he rescued from LEGATO and KAJI is drinking from one that reads "You get on my NERVs" (Get it? NERV?! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...hmmm...)

SPIKE: (singing "The Girl From Eponema") And as she passes each one she passes goes "ahhh" (looks at the camera) Oops! We're back from commercial. We have Kaji Ryoji with us and he's going to be discussing some very hotly debated subject matter with us. We'll take some calls later, but first, time for the dirt! 

KAJI: Oh yeah!

SPIKE: Okay, this is the question on everyone's mind, so you have to really pay attention, okay?

KAJI: (leaning forward) All right...

SPIKE: (very seriously) Don't lie to me, okay...

KAJI: (shifting nervously) Okay...

SPIKE: I want you to tell me honestly...what's Misato like in bed?

KAJI: (choking on his coffee) WHAT?

SPIKE: Come on, tell all!

KAJI: Don't you want to know something important and controversial like...gee, I don't know, who shot me?

SPIKE: Controversial? Are you kidding? I already KNOW who shot you! Hell, EVERYBODY already knows who shot you!

KAJI: No they don't!

SPIKE: Yes they do!

KAJI: (crosses his arms) Well then...who?

SPIKE leans forward and whispers to KAJI.

KAJI: (surprised) Hey! Wow, you do know. Well then, I guess you're probably right. Everybody watching already knows who shot me, so I won't go into it. 

SPIKE: Thanks...now about Misato...

KAJI: Oh right! Well, technically, because this is Purgatory, I'm not supposed to talk about all the fun, sinful things I used to do. (The producers would like to reassert the "no double meaning" statement from before. Thank you.)

SPIKE: Oh come on and LIVE a little. (stops to think about what he just said but decides to let it drop)

KAJI: I thought I went into enough detail in the show...

SPIKE: That was hardly enough detail for me. You spent an entire week with her doing nothing but the wild, horizontal monkey dance and I want details!

KAJI: Well, okay...Misato was like a certain breed of...

The phone rings.

SPIKE: (looking very troubled) Um...it's not time for calls yet...

KAJI: That's okay, answer it. It might be a beautiful and adoring fan...

SPIKE hits the speakerphone button.

SPIKE: Hello?

CALLER: (the caller has a very irritated tone of voice) Hello.

KAJI: Ohh... you have a very sexy voice! Did you have a question for me pretty, young lady?

CALLER: Oh yeah, I've got a big question...

KAJI: Well, of course you can have my phone number! (chuckles to himself)

CALLER: Funny, but no. I was more wondering exactly where you get off lying to a girl?

KAJI: Lying? What did I do?

CALLER: (mocking KAJI'S voice) "If I could see you one more time I would say the words I couldn't say 8 years ago". Does this sound familiar?

KAJI: Misato?

SPIKE: (rubbing his hands together in excitement) Yes!

MISATO: Who else would it be? It looks like that was just another one of your empty promises. You could have gotten in touch with me!

KAJI: I'm in Purgatory! I'm supposed to be giving up sinful things...

MISATO: So I'm a sin now! That's not what you said back then!

SPIKE: Please, tell us exactly what he DID say back then...And what you said or screamed back then, too. Include any details that involve words like "undulating" and "groping." Don't leave out any details! 

KAJI: (to MISATO) Listen, I honestly would love to see you again, but I have to clean up my act to get in God's good graces. After he forgives me for lying and vanity and lechery and poor personal grooming habits then I can come to see you in...hey, where exactly ARE you?

MISATO: Oh, I'm with Shinji, and Asuka, and Gendo, and Ritsuko, and all of SEELE, and ...well, generally everyone.

KAJI: Oh no, the Human Instrumentality Project...don't tell me that you...

MISATO: Yeah, it sucks, I have to be with everyone from everywhere all the time...Asuka keeps thinking in German. It's impossible to have any time alone...

SPIKE: So...do you actually even count as dead? 

MISATO: Hell, I don't know...I don't think Gainax even knows...

SPIKE: (very interested) So somewhere, you STILL have a body, right?

MISATO: Maybe... 

SPIKE: (in his best version of a sexy voice) So, what are you doing tonight?

KAJI: Hey! You can't hit on her! She's waiting for me!

SPIKE: I don't think so! It could take ages for you to learn personal grooming habits! I've already got the "Get out of Hell Free Card"! That means that I can pretty much do whatever I want! Well, except for smoke...

KAJI: Don't you think that sex gets ruled out if smoking does?

SPIKE: (ignores him) So Misato...wanna party with a REAL Space Cowboy? (he takes a sip from his mug suavely before he remembers where he got the mug from) Blah! Legato germs! It's so disgusting! 

SPIKE runs to go vomit leaving KAJI alone on the set with a seething MISATO on the phone.

KAJI: Sooo.....

MISATO: Don't EVEN try it... I'm still mad at you...And what BREED of what were you going to say I was?

KAJI: (waving his hands defensively) It was nothing! Really!

*****

HELL. No bad music, just screaming people, and fire. But, if P-Diddy got a hold of the screams and re-mixed them with "The Girl from Eponema" I'm sure we would have an instant hit on our hands...Back to the show...

VISCOUS: (trying to sound casual) So where's Spike?

WOLFWOOD: (suspiciously) Doing an interview in Purgatory, why?

VISCOUS: (stiffly) Oh! Well, no reason. It would be nice to see him is all.

ALL fall into a stunned silence. Everyone stares at VISCOUS who looks intently at his hands.

WOLFWOOD: Why? Don't you guys hate each other?

VISCOUS: Oh no! I'm ready to bury the hatchet! Call it a truce! I'm ready to...(as if the words taste bad or are painful to say) be...friends...again...It would be great for him to come down here...You should invite him...

LEGATO: You're lying aren't you? You just want him to come down here so you can do to him what you did to that Doctor...

VISCOUS: (sadly) Yeah, you're right. I was hoping I could trick you, but you figured me out. I really just want to hurt him...a lot. A whole lot. 

LEGATO: (pats him on the shoulder to console him) Believe me, I understand. Nobody's mad at you, isn't that right?

SEPHIROTH agrees wholeheartedly and WOLFWOOD feels a headache starting. 

VISCIOUS: You know Legato, you're much more understanding than Sephiroth...how long can you stay?

To be continued...


	7. Something's Sticky

A NOTE FROM THE PRODUCERS

Actually, besides the usual warnings (violence, cursing, explosions, bad puns) we have nothing to say. Don't get excited yet, we'll think of something.

A NOTE ON SPELLING

It's fixed now. Are you happy? Huh?!

EPISODE VI: Something's Sticky...

*****

PURGATORY. SPIKE SPIEGEL and KAJI RYOJI are chatting while the film crew cleans up from the interview. The music de jour: "Fly me to the Moon"...

SPIKE: Hey, this is a weird question but, why is Purgatory in an office building?

KAJI: Think about it, you have to WORK to get to Heaven.

SPIKE: Okay, that makes sense in a weird way but, what about the bad music? Is that God punishing you somehow?

KAJI: Nah...I think it's because the corrupt angels that work here all have bad taste in music...they actually LIKE this stuff...

SPIKE: So the bad, elevator music is like a...ballad of fallen angels...

KAJI: (stares at SPIKE for a moment) That was...REALLY bad.

SPIKE: (looks embarrassed) Yeah, you're right. Anyway, thanks for the interview.

KAJI: Oh no, it was no problem, besides, there's something about you that reminds me of myself...

SPIKE: What's that?

KAJI: Poor personal grooming habits. You're as gross as I am. I mean, don't you ever wake up and want to wear something different?

SPIKE: (thinking really hard) Um....no....

KAJI: See! Me neither! That's what I mean! You and me pal...united in filthiness...

SPIKE: Say something like that again and I blow up your cubicle...got it? 

KAJI: (worried) You're not joking are you?  


SPIKE: Hardly...

KAJI: So now what?

SPIKE: I'm going to Hell to meet up with my co-hosts...let's hope they've learned their lesson...

A trapdoor opens beneath SPIKE and he falls through leaving KAJI all alone. 

*****

HELL. On the set of the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, and, of course, Smoking Break. SEPHIROTH, 'VISCOUS', WOLFWOOD and LEGATO are sitting around tossing back beers and having as good a time as you can have in Hell when you're dead and bitter about it.

WOLFWOOD: (a little drunk)You know 'Viscous' something has really been cracking me up....

'VISCOUS': Laughter is usually forbidden here but out of curiosity, what's so funny?

WOLFWOOD: In the transcripts of your show and even in the script your name is spelled V-i-S-c-o-u-s...There shouldn't be an 'S'!!! And you need an 'I'!!!(Chuckling gently) Isn't that a riot?

'VISCOUS': (frowning) I'm missing the humorous part I think...

LEGATO: Actually, he has a point, it's rather comical...

'VISCOUS': Why dammit?!

WOLFWOOD: (laughing harder) Because you're supposed to be a bad ass and a meanie but that's not what that spelling means...

'VISCOUS': (frustrated) What DOES it mean then?

WOLFWOOD is laughing too hard to answer but LEGATO clears his throat to speak.

LEGATO: Webster's New Dictionary defines 'Viscous" as "Sticky or tenacious" while the Shift+F7 function of Microsoft Word reveals: "Sticky, thick, adhesive, viscid, glutinous, tenacious, ropy, tough...."

WOLFWOOD, 'VISCOUS' and SEPHIROTH fall into complete, shocked silence and stare at LEGATO.

SEPHIROTH: How the hell do you know that?

WOLFWOOD: Yeah, I mean, you sound like a total nerd! (laughing) Did you spend all your time reading as a kid when none of the other kiddies would play with you because you're a freak? 

LEGATO drops his head dejectedly, obviously hurt....

WOLFWOOD: (shocked) That's it, isn't it? Oh shit...I'm sorry...I didn't mean to...

'VISCOUS': Dammit, who cares if his feelings are hurt? I've been a glue this entire time! I'm dead horse worked into a thick paste!

SEPHIROTH: YOU said it, we didn't! Besides "Sticky" was in there too and that's WAY too easy to work with...Think of all the things that can be described as "Sticky"...

WOLFWOOD: I'll take "Sticky bodily fluids" for $100 Alex...

SEPHIROTH: That's our Daily Double! Here's your answer: This bodily fluid becomes very important around Valentines day...

'VISCOUS': That's it! (he stands, draws his sword and stalks off stage)

SEPHIROTH: Hey! Where are you going?

'VISCOUS': I've got to go have a word with someone...

'VISCOUS' leaves and SEPHIROTH is left with a depressed LEGATO and a regretful WOLFWOOD.

WOLFWOOD: (cautiously) Look, Legato, I really am sorry...I didn't know.

LEGATO: (sniffling) No, no, it's okay! Make fun of the brain! "There goes Legato with his I.Q. of over 400! He's such a big nobody!"

SEPHIROTH: Is it POSSIBLE to have an I.Q. over 400?

LEGATO: (openly sobbing) The agony!

WOLFWOOD: Come on Legato! This isn't like you! Crack on me...call me a name! Attack me! Make me do the M.C. Hammer. Do anything mean you like to me but PLEASE stop crying!

LEGATO: I...I can't! The memories are too raw...If only you would tell me something about yourself that's equally embarrassing THEN maybe I could forget the harshness of my mortal years when I was scorned and trod upon by all who met me...(sneakily) Maybe you could tell me what your middle name is...

WOLFWOOD: Hell no! 

LEGATO: Woe is me! (his tears increase and he falls onto the floor pounding at the ground)

SEPHIROTH: Fuck! Just tell him already! It's not natural to see a grown killer weep like a little sissy...

LEGATO: (on his back and kicking his legs like a roach) Oh! WHY was life SO cruel?!

WOLFWOOD: FINE! Jesus! Just stop already! I'll tell you!

LEGATO: (seems to perk up a bit) I only want to know if it's something terrible and embarrassing...

WOLFWOOD: Humiliations galore!

LEGATO: (sits up and actually looks like his old, evil self again) Ohhh! Do tell!

WOLFWOOD: (takes a deep breath) Dilbert.

SEPHIROTH: D...Dilbert? You're name is Nicholas Dilbert Wolfwood?

LEGATO: That's...that's absolutely awful.

LEGATO and SEPHIROTH sit in silent for a moment before they both fall into uncontrollable fits of laughter.

SEPHIROTH: That's better than 'Viscous' being a sticky substance!

LEGATO: That's better than the taste of Vash's arm!

SEPHIROTH: That's better than making my devoted followers walk off a cliff!

LEGATO: Hell...that's better than battleship and smoking pot!

WOLFWOOD: Okay, that's enough guys...

LEGATO: Oh no 'Dilbert' this is just the beginning!

At that moment, SPIKE falls through the trapdoor and lands smoothly on the empty chair.

SPIKE: Hey. What's up?

LEGATO: Wolfwood's Middle name is "Dilbert"....

WOLFWOOD: I need a smoke...(he fumbles in his jacket and retrieves a cigarette, seriously regretting his decision to tell the psycho his middle name). 

SPIKE is about to join him in a smoke when a figure walks up to him and snatches the lighter from his hand.

SPIKE: (standing) Vicious!

SEPHIROTH: Um...don't you mean "Semen boy!"?

VICIOUS: As you can see, those jokes no longer apply, I'm a new man...

LEGATO: Or the same man with a less "Sticky, thick, and adhesive" name...

VICIOUS: (to LEGATO) That's enough! (to SPIKE) So...we meet again...

WOLFWOOD: Is it just me or is that not the dumbest thing you can say when you meet your nemesis for the first time since you killed each other?

VICIOUS: (irritated) Fine! What should I say to him then?

WOLFWOOD: "Are those Bugle boy jeans you're wearing?"

SEPHIROTH: "Do you have any Grey Poupon?"

LEGATO: "Aren't you glad I'm not named after a sticky, bodily fluid anymore?"

SPIKE: (ignoring all of them) Can I have my lighter back?

VICIOUS: Well I'm afraid we have unfinished business. If you want it back, fight me!

SPIKE: How the hell does that work? When both parties are dead, THERE IS NO BUSINESS LEFT TO FINISH!

LEGATO: Spike, don't be silly, only people die; grudges live on forever and ever...

SPIKE: Can't we just bury the hatchet? Call it a truce?

WOLFWOOD: Chicken

LEGATO: Coward.

SEPHIROTH: Puppet.

ALL: (to SEPHIROTH) WHAT?

SEPHIROTH: (embarrassed) Sorry...flashback. You were saying?

VICIOUS: No truces Spike. (draws his sword) I'm looking forward to killing you again. Besides, my bird is hungry. But before we begin...tell me, why DID you love Julia?

SPIKE: Don't you want somebody to love? Don't you NEED somebody to love?

VICIOUS: EVERYBODY wants somebody to love!

SPIKE: You better FIND somebody to love!

VICIOUS and SPIKE slide into fighting stances and somewhere, KMFDM's 'Ultra' begins to play...

SPIKE: Spinning Bird Kick!

VICIOUS: Moon Crescent Power!

They commence to pummel each other to the ground when the phone rings.

WOLFWOOD: I got it...(picks up the receiver and speaks around three cigarettes) Yeah? Oh...yes of course...right. Yes, he's here...(yelling at SPIKE) Say "Hello" Spike!

SPIKE: (his face is pressed into the ground) Melwhooo!

WOLFWOOD: Vicious, wanna give a shout out?

VICIOUS: (getting his head beaten into the wall) Yeah....this one goes out to...all my lil' homies in lock down...I be seein' ya G-Dawgs...Fight the power!

WOLFWOOD: Anything to add Sephiroth?

SEPHIROTH: Yes. Keep it Gansta'.

WOLFWOOD: Legato?

LEGATO: Your name is Dilbert...

WOLFWOOD: (glares at LEGATO then speaks to the caller again) They all say "hi". What sort of a problem? What do you mean? "I'll see when I get back..." What's THAT supposed to mean? No...no...not that I know of...

LEGATO has a bag of popcorn and is watching the fight happily while Sephiroth sharpens his sword on LEGATO'S shoulder spikes. VICIOUS and SPIKE are slapping at each other like children...

SPIKE: (dancing in midair in a sailor uniform) Mercury bubbles!

VICIOUS: (waving his arms wildly) Flying chicken dance of doom!

SPIKE: No Sailor Scout ever said that and neither did any Street Fighter!

VICIOUS: Well aren't WE the little fanboy now! (hits SPIKE with a rubber chicken)

WOLFWOOD: (to the caller) Yes, right away...I'll tell them now...hold please. (to the others) Hey Spike, Legato, let's go!

SPIKE: (gets VICIOUS in a headlock) GIVE ME MY LIGHTER BACK!

VICIOUS: Suck it!

SEPHIROTH: And you wonder WHY you got called something tough and sticky...

WOLFWOOD: (holding his hand over the receiver so the caller can't hear the conflict) The fight is over! Vicious, give him his lighter, dammit!

VICIOUS grudgingly frees himself from the headlock and fishes through his pockets for the lighter. Pulling it out, he hurls it at SPIKE'S head which is protected by his massive hair from any damage it might have caused...

LEGATO: (disappointed) That fight wasn't nearly long enough and nobody had to extract their arm from any 'special places'...what a let-down. (stands to go)

VICIOUS: (recovering from the fight) Legato, are you leaving too?

LEGATO: (looks confused) I...I...

VICIOUS: It would be great for you to stay...you fit right in here...

WOLFWOOD: (to VICIOUS) One big happy psychotic family...

SEPHIROTH: Just like in a fairy tale...

LEGATO, SEPHIROTH, and VICIOUS: (singing to the tune of 'When you Wish Upon a Star') When you wish to kill someone, 

it's real fun with sword or gun, 

any death your heart desires 

will come to them...

SPIKE: (disturbed) Yeah, I'm really ready to go back to Heaven now...who cares if we can't smoke there, at least the people are sane...

WOLFWOOD: (to the caller) What do you mean "He can't come?" (looks at LEGATO)...I...I understand...No, it's fine...really...Yes...I'll pass that along...of course...goodbye. (hangs up the phone looking sad)

LEGATO: What did He say?

WOLFWOOD: Well...it's time to go back to Heaven... 

SPIKE: We know THAT but what ELSE did He say?

WOLFWOOD: He said that...Legato has to stay here...

VICIOUS: Yay!

LEGATO: WHAT?

WOLFWOOD: Yes...He says that the violence only started once you joined the show so He's going to let you stay to put an end to it even though He knows that staying will make you really happy...

LEGATO: Yes...really...happy...

SEPHIROTH: This is great! We have three hosts now...One more person and it would be like The View! We could talk about make-up and painting our nails and color coordination! I wonder what Count Magnus Lee is doing during this time slot...

LEGATO: I am SO waaaay more evil than you...

WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) Well...congratulations. You finally get what you want.

LEGATO: Of course. I'm finally going to be rid of you Nicholas Dilbert Wolfwood...

WOLFWOOD: (turns his back on him) Spike! Let's roll!

SPIKE: (singing like Ludacris) Roll out! Me and my homies, so drop that! Get out my business, my biznass! Stay the fuck up out my biznass, ahhhh... 

SPIKE and WOLFWOOD begin walking up a glistening white staircase that has just appeared.

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN (Oh you KNEW it was coming....)

SPIKE: You know, the way you're acting, it's almost like you're going to miss Legato...

WOLFWOOD: (scoffing) Yeah right! Like I'm going to miss the guy who killed me. Hah!

SPIKE: (disbelieving) Okay...if you say so.

WOLFWOOD: I DO say so. Anyway, we're going to be getting an additional host too.

SPIKE: Really? Who?

WOLFWOOD: Dunno. They're going to meet us when we get back. By the way, you didn't DO anything to the set did you?

SPIKE: (trying to look innocent) Uh...no....why?

WOLFWOOD: He just sounded a little pissed on the phone and I wondered if it had anything to do with a bad habit you have...

SPIKE: What bad habit is that?

WOLFWOOD: Other than poor personal grooming...you BLOW EVERYTHING UP WITH GRENADES!

SPIKE: I do not!

WOLFWOOD: I'm not going to argue with you! You've blown up everything from churches to skyscrapers with those damn things!

LOTS OF STAIRS LATER...

WOLFWOOD: Why hasn't God gotten more high-tech...What's wrong with an ELEVATOR to Heaven?

SPIKE: (matter-of-factly) Doesn't fit in the song...

MORE STAIRS....

SPIKE: 66 bottles of beer on the wall, 66 bottles of beer, take one down, blow it up with a grenade: 65 bottles of beer on the wall. 65 bottles of beer on the wall...

EVEN MORE STAIRS.

WOLFWOOD: ...So then the guy says "But these breasts ARE mine!" Ha, ha, ha, ha! Get it? Funny, huh? 

SPIKE: Not really...

WOLFWOOD: What's your problem? Guys with breasts always make for good jokes...

SPIKE: Did you even WATCH my show?

WOLFWOOD: Sorry I was too busy getting my ASS KICKED in my own show!

AND STILL MORE STAIRS. Sitting a few steps ahead of them is a little FROG...

FROG: This is the stairway to Heaven. You know that right?

SPIKE: Uh...yeah, we know...

FROG:...You do?

WOLFWOOD: Yeah, I mean, why else would we be taking these stairs? 

FROG: You could be high off psychedelic mushrooms...

WOLFWOOD: Yeah right! What kind of an idiot eats psychedelic mushrooms and then goes walking up stairs? I mean, how dumb is that? Right Spike?

SPIKE: (nervously) Uh...riiight...

FROG: You look real familiar 'Spike'...

SPIKE: Never seen you before...Obnoxious little frog...

FINALLY, THE DOORWAY TO HEAVEN

SPIKE leans forward and gently knocks on the door.

SPIKE: Hey...you know what we're doing now?

WOLFWOOD: I'm sure you're going to tell me...

SPIKE: Damn right! We're knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door!

WOLFWOOD: I hate you.

HEAVEN. On the set of the "Afterlife Coffee Break"...or...what's LEFT of it. It's pretty much a smoldering pile of ashes. WOLFWOOD walks up to where his seat used to be and sees a cracked mug that reads "Guess what I'm doing with YOUR arm?" He turns angrily towards SPIKE.

WOLFWOOD: What the hell...WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR SET?

SPIKE: Uh...I blew it up with a grenade.

WOLFWOOD: Oh.

They continue to inspect the damage when they hear a voice from behind them. 

VOICE: Hello? Spike? Nick?

WOLFWOOD and SPIKE turn to face the new arrival. Their jaws drop.

REM SAVEREM: Hi! It's good that you're back. I'll be your new co-host, isn't that great...?

Somehow, we get the feeling that SPIKE and WOLFWOOD don't think so....

To be continued...


	8. Bonus Deleted Scenes

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:  
  
Every show or movie has material that just didn't make it into the final cut. Either it didn't work at the time, wasn't funny enough, was alcohol induced, or offended way too many people at once. Sometimes it's a combination of all these things. Either way, no one was ever meant to see these scenes. Congratulations, you're special.  
  
WARNINGS:  
  
This material was never meant to be seen therefore the language, violence and spelling are potentially worse than ever. Nod your heads if you understand. Good.  
  
*****  
  
This is never before seen footage from an early episode of "The Afterlife Smoke Break" which later became "The Afterlife Coffee Break" when smoking was banned in Heaven.  
  
EPISODE ALPHA: Dragon Testicles  
  
*****  
  
HEAVEN, On the set of "The Afterlife Smoke Break." NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and his co-host sit with mugs of coffee before a film crew. WOLFWOOD'S mug reads "God likes me better," and his co-host's reads "Monkeys do it in the trees." The studio lights come on...  
  
WOLFWOOD: (mumbling around the cigarette in his mouth) This is The Afterlife Smoke Break. Thanks for joining us. I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood and this is Goku, Saiyan, martial artist and family man.  
  
GOKU: (waves excitedly and knocks his halo out of place a bit) Hiya!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Today, we'll be talking about the same thing we talk about during every episode.  
  
GOKU: (interrupts) Um...Nick, actually...  
  
WOLFWOOD: (surprised by the break in routine) What?  
  
GOKU: That's not going to work today. I feel really awful, but...  
  
WOLFWOOD: (suspiciously) What...?  
  
GOKU: Um...I'm gonna get wished back to life with the Dragon Balls soon so...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Dragon...balls? (aghast) That's just vulgar!  
  
GOKU: Not THOSE kind of balls! You see, there are seven of them and...  
  
WOLFWOOD: SEVEN! Most life-forms only need two...  
  
GOKU: Get your mind out of the gutter, already! They're magic balls...  
  
WOLFWOOD: I just BET they are...  
  
GOKU: (ignoring him) For granting wishes...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Riiiight..."wishes"....  
  
GOKU: (sighing) And well, I have to save the world (again) so I won't be hosting the show with you today...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Are you saying...that you get to come back to life...because of dragon testicles?  
  
GOKU: BALLS! Dragon BALLS!  
  
WOLFWOOD: SAME DIFFERENCE! Well let me just tell you that this is a pretty sweet job and that you're lucky to have it considering all the dead heroes hanging around jobless in Heaven. If you're trying to weasel out of hosting with me, you'll have to come up with a better excuse than "saving the world" because I don't buy it....  
  
WOLFWOOD keeps talking when, suddenly, GOKU starts to glow and then...vanishes from the set....  
  
WOLFWOOD: And furthermore...(looks over to notice that GOKU is gone). I'll be a son of a bitch. The steroid-pusher wasn't lying.  
  
WOLFWOOD sits for a minute and his expression goes from amazed to really, really angry in seconds.  
  
WOLFWOOD: HOW COME THAT LITTLE BASTARD GETS TO LIVE AGAIN AND I DON'T?  
  
DIRECTOR: Well, you're show didn't have dragon balls that grant wishes...  
  
WOLFWOOD: And thank God! That's just disgusting!  
  
DIRECTOR: You are a very confused man and you need help.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Fuck you! And I suppose this means I'll be hosting the show on my own from now on....  
  
DIRECTOR: Oh no...we've got a replacement host all picked out for you. Name's "Spike Spiegel." Ever heard of him?  
  
WOLFWOOD: That's a really stupid name. (thinking) Wait a minute, isn't he that guy from "Cowboy Blowup" or something?  
  
DIRECTOR: Bebop. Cowboy Bebop.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Yeah, yeah, whatever. That guy's a walking disaster zone! He'll probably blow up the set. Can't you find somebody else?  
  
DIRECTOR: Well, I'll see if there's anybody else who can take the job. But if we can't find somebody willing to tolerate your attitude problem, then Spike's in. Fair enough?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Attitude problem? I'm practically a saint. You'll find somebody, no problem. Just you wait and see....  
  
*****  
  
DELETED SCENES from: EPISODE II: The Jackson Five! ARCHIVED AS: "Call me Queen"  
  
HEAVEN, On the set of the "Afterlife Coffee Break." NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and LEGATO BLUESUMMERS are interviewing CHARLOTTE from "Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust." (For interested parties, CHARLOTTE'S mug reads "Suck it.")  
  
WOLFWOOD: So Charlotte, tell me, how's the afterlife treating you?  
  
CHARLOTTE: (lip quivering) Well...to be honest...it's MISERABLE!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Miserable? What's wrong with Heaven?  
  
LEGATO: If you've got a day or two I could read you my list...  
  
WOLFWOOD ignores him.  
  
CHARLOTTE: Without Meier around, death sucks!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (trying to be helpful) Well, we all know you loved Meier Link, but...at least there are things in Heaven to distract you...  
  
CHARLOTTE: (openly sobbing) NO, NO! There's nothing here that interests me! Nothing at ALL!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Well, what did you do for fun in life?  
  
CHARLOTTE: Well, on Mondays I thought about Meier and wondered what he was wearing and wrote his name with little hearts around it.  
  
LEGATO: (matter-of-factly) You know, "Knives" actually looks really weird with little hearts drawn around it...  
  
WOLFWOOD glares at him, but LEGATO doesn't notice.  
  
CHARLOTTE: On Tuesdays I cried about not being with Meier and pouted a lot. Oh! And on Wednesdays, I made up cute little songs about Meier and sang them to my dolls.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (sarcastically) Very productive...  
  
CHARLOTTE: Sometimes on Thursdays, I drew pictures of him, but then I had to go to work. They had to fire me after awhile because I couldn't focus since I was thinking about Meier when I was supposed to be performing open heart surgery...  
  
WOLFWOOD is gawking at her but no words come out. LEGATO seems to be regarding her with new respect.  
  
CHARLOTTE: But on Friday there was nothing to keep me from pining over Meier and longing to be with him and crying some more and moping around...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Hold it, hold it, hold it! Are you telling me...that you had NO interests other than loving that vampire?  
  
LEGATO: No hobbies? No army of evil minions to command? No humans to torture?  
  
WOLFWOOD: No children to protect? No shady past to disguise?  
  
CHARLOTTE: (thinking really hard) Um...I knitted sometimes...  
  
LEGATO: (disgusted) Knitted?  
  
WOLFWOOD: That's it? You knitted?  
  
CHARLOTTE: (oblivious) What do you think Meier's doing right now? Do you think he still loves me? What if he's found someone else? (she's obviously about to cry again)  
  
LEGATO: (trying to be very, very gentle) Charlotte...I know I'm not exactly the right person to give this kind of advice, all things considered, but...you really, really have an unhealthy obsession with one man and you need to move on with your afterlife and try to forget him...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Go shopping, buy a new dress...  
  
CHARLOTTE: Oh, but I COULDN'T!  
  
LEGATO: (nodding emphatically) Oh, but you HAVE TO! Because if you don't I might just have to grab you up by your little neck and...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Ahem! Meier would want you to be happy, right? He'd want you to make the best of what life...er...death has thrown you!  
  
CHARLOTTE: (biting her lip) Well, yes he would...  
  
LEGATO: (slapping her on the back) Well it's settled then! You stop whining like a little bitch, go find yourself a personality and then we'll all be happier for it!  
  
WOLFWOOD: That's one way of putting it...  
  
CHARLOTTE: Maybe you're right! I'm an independent woman!  
  
Somewhere on the set, Destiny's Child begins to play. We're not entirely sure why.  
  
CHARLOTTE: I want to make my own decisions, think for myself! I don't need to sit around wasting my afterlife! Thank you both!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (relieved) Well, now that that's settled, let's go to commercial...  
  
CHARLOTTE: Did I give you permission to go to commercial? You'll wait until I say so, boy! And from now on, you will call me queen!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Er...?  
  
*****  
  
DELETED SCENES from:  
  
EPISODE VII: Something's Sticky  
  
ARCHIVED AS: "Dead Side Story"  
  
A PLAYGROUND IN PURGATORY (neutral territory!): VICIOUS, SEPHIROTH and LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS are leaning against a fence snapping their fingers in time to snazzy music. They're all wearing jeans and T-shirts with the sleeves rolled up and all of their hair has been greased back. A cigarette dangles precariously from the corner of VICIOUS' mouth and SEPHIROTH plays idly with a switchblade. Suddenly, LEGATO does a skillful, lively dance and bursts into song. (If you haven't seen "West Side Story" this could be very, very confusing. The Producers recommend downloading "Jets Song" and singing along. It's fun, dammit.)  
  
LEGATO:  
  
When you're in Hell You're in Hell all the way From your big bloody death To your first all-dead day!  
  
When you're in Hell If the heat gets you sad, You got brewskies around, So it don't feel so bad!  
  
Suddenly, SEPHIROTH and VICIOUS jump into the act, dancing in perfect synchronization with LEGATO. They do a couple graceful turns then VICIOUS starts to sing.  
  
VICIOUS:  
  
You cheated and killed, So Hell's the place for you now! The beers are all chilled! You're a sinner with know-how, So take a big bow!  
  
SEPHIROTH:  
  
Now you are damned, With a capital D, Though it's not what you planned It's just how it will be!  
  
ALL THREE:  
  
When you're in Hell, You stay in HELL!  
  
The three of them stop singing briefly for an instrumental interlude...  
  
SEPHIROTH: Being in hell sure is crunk!  
  
VICIOUS: It's doper than a Mo-fo.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Those played-out playas in Heaven don't know what they be missin'!  
  
LEGATO: True dat, mac-daddies.  
  
VICIOUS: Yikes! I think I've run out of hip and trendy slang terms.  
  
SEPHIROTH: By Jove, I think you're right. Fancy that!  
  
VICIOUS: What rotten luck, old chums. I say! God Save the Queen!  
  
LEGATO: Chill on that tip, home-dawgs. Time to bust a rhyme. Word.  
  
LEGATO executes a perfect pirouette before singing again.  
  
LEGATO:  
  
When you're in Hell, You're the meanest of mean! You're the bully with guns! You like ripping out spleens!  
  
VICIOUS:  
  
When you're in Hell, You're the punished for good! You burn for all time Just the way that you should!  
  
ALL THREE (while dancing an elaborate, choreographed dance):  
  
The evil stay here, Our reps are past redeemin'! The good guys stay clear, 'Cause ev'ry stinkin' hero's soul's a gleamin'!  
  
Here come the damned Were the big pimps in Hell. Someone lookin' for sin, Just asks US where we've been!  
  
Here come the damned: We've got souls black as night! Better watch out for us! If you see us take flight!  
  
We died violent deaths, Still took a bunch out with us! With our last dyin' breaths, We cursed and made a big fuss, Then caught the Hell-bus!  
  
Here come the damned, Yeah! And we're really fucked! Ev'ry one of us here Till out sentence is up! Till our whole! Giant! Sentence Is! Up! Yeah!  
  
There's a big finish with lots of leaping about and jumping over fences and the like. The music fades out. LEGATO traipses off to go sing "Maria" to FAYE VALENTINE while VICIOUS and SEPHIROTH go to the dance at the gym to cause trouble. It's a turf-war and all that, fights at the gym happen, and stuff...yeah...  
  
*****  
  
A CLOSING NOTE FROM THE PRODUCERS:  
  
The Afterlife Coffee Break is continuing in a cleverly entitled sequel, "Return of the Afterlife Coffee Break." Why didn't we just post it all in one place? Because that makes too much sense and we thrive on chaos. You weren't expecting logic, were you?  
  
Look for the second season...today! 


End file.
